I took myself out, even on Valentine’s Day, and think you should, too.

Yes, I took myself out to dinner on Valentine’s Day this year.

I know that sounds weird. And honestly, most of the time when people write a little too much about “rocking the solo life,” I think they’re a) not being truthful and b) trying to make it look like they’re really okay when they're not so sure. Maybe I’ve made it to a deeper level of delusion that I’m not writing from that place, but I don’t think that’s the case this time.

After all, I am pro-together, pro-relationship, pro-community, pro-love. I deeply believe faith and life are team sports. Life is better lived together. This post is not at all an ode to being “Miss Independent.” 

And yet, today, I’m going to say something seemingly contrary.

I take myself out for dinner (or lunch or coffee) sometimes and I think you should too.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: as great as my life is, I have an ongoing struggle with not feeling picked or being wanted. It’s my most familiar wound and my favorite lie to battle. My history is riddled with supposed proofs that affirm this wound when the battle rages on a given day.

I know I’m not alone in this wound. Many people, regardless of relationship status, experience this ache. I would even say that sometimes it feels bigger when dating or married because it’s not expected. This is one of the devil’s favorite tactics for us. He can trick us into a plethora of different sins when we feel the need to prove our value or numb the feeling of being unwanted.

Because of this particular wound, my heart and mind can get a bit wonky during a time of the year made for pairs.

My BFF, Katy, knows this about me very well. I was woken on Tuesday with a text from her to help affirm my heart.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, girl! You are so loved!!”

I loved hearing from her and starting my day that way. It helps. We should speak these reminders to each other.

But here’s the thing: this year, I knew it already.
Not just knew it, but believed it.
Not just believed it, but was living in it.

Perhaps it’s from more consistent time in Scripture in my recent weeks and months. Maybe it’s from taking time to work through my worth issues with a counselor who faithfully speaks back to me my identity as a daughter of the Father, whenever I speak a need for validation from another place. Maybe it’s learning to stop freaking out about being alone, and realize I’ve never been because of God’s incredible promise to be with me until the very end of the age.

Maybe it’s that I’ve begun seeing times by myself not as a last resort and proof that nobody wants me, but a divine appointment that Jesus has arranged to just be with me.

I actually considered my regular strategy of inviting a bunch of people to do something for Valentine’s, so we’re all busy being awesome instead of alone. I knew, though, at this particular time, that would’ve been proof of my need to prove my “okay-ness” with activity and people. And honestly, had it been a week earlier when I was feeling rattled with rejection, this may not have been the case.

Whatever the reason, Valentine’s Day was SO different this year.

I went to sleep the night before, prepping my heart for newsfeeds full of gushy posts and pictures of perfect dates and thoughtful gifts. Comparison is the thief of joy, ya know, Shel. Then this peace settled in over me and I thought with a smile:

“Jesus, I’m so excited to get up and spend Valentine’s Day with you. You’re just the best at love. I can’t wait to see what you have planned for us.”

Guys. I know that sounds so cheesy and fluffy, maybe a little disingenuous, and all kinds of #Jesusismyboyfriend ish. I’m totally aware. But I’m serious. It was real.

I texted Katy back with my delight to just be loved perfectly by the Lord for the day. I’m praying that this would be an everyday thing. To get up and be loved by Jesus, inviting him into every moment and step of this day’s adventure; that rejection and fear and loneliness would be defeated. 

Because here’s the thing: I’ve woken up way too many days desperately wanting to be wanted while feeling the exact opposite. I've had so many days where I've straight up told Jesus in my thoughts and actions that He and His love are not enough for me and I demand more. 

When we don’t believe that we are fully loved to the brim in Jesus and that He's what our heart truly needs, we beg, borrow, steal, coerce, guilt, manipulate, pressure, and burn ourselves out to be loved. When we don’t believe that we’re enough—that God deeply wants us just where we are, how we are--we begin a path of proving and demanding. 

We expect others to fill a place of love and identity that they simply cannot.

We live in a place of fragility, looking to the incomplete efforts of others to tell us who we are and what we’re worth. They feel beat up and we feel devastated.

Friends, this is dangerous for us, no matter our romantic situation.

No person should be in charge of giving us our worth. Jesus has already done it. Even in our most ragged and hot mess days, our worth remains because the cross was accomplished.

Time spent solo, (not device-dependent time, mind you) teaches us we’re okay. We get to talk to the One who made us, who never tires of hearing about our day, who delights in creating moments, appointments, and surprises for us to experience together, who will never waiver or be fickle, who will only speak truth and life and freedom to us.

So I took myself to dinner and sat by the window with a book at one of my favorite cafes. I watched as couples rushed past, others with gym bags, and men with bundles of flowers. I got some curious glances and I fought the urge to just sit there hidden in my phone, but I was okay. I was great, really.

Because I knew I wasn’t alone. Though it may not have looked like it from the outside, I was fully wanted in that moment. A moment for time with the One who called me “beloved” first and always.

When we can just simply be loved in the times that feel like the exact opposite, it strengthens our heart with truth. It creates space in us for grace.

If I trust I’m loved and can be content in it here, as one sitting at a table with two chairs, it will be easier for me to be loved and content in relationships with fallible people.

I will be better in relationships for having been alone with Jesus. I will be set free more and more from needing to be completed by someone else, and therefore be freed to love and enjoy them well. I will be less inclined to stress and overwork if I know that who I am doesn’t depend on what I’ve accomplished. I will be less weird and manipulative, if I trust I’m worthy of being loved regardless of who wants to be with me on a given day. I will be less likely to hold relational hostages by withholding the love I feel I haven't received because of what I have already received in Christ.

Time spent away with Jesus fills and anchors me, so I’m less rocked by the fickle. I’m more able to set people free with how I love them, instead of trying to trick them into loving me back. I’m able to persist through the sting of rejection because I know I’m fully and deeply chosen by the Best of the best.

This isn’t a recipe or invitation for one-way relationships or being insulated from hurts. However, when we find security in the One who can offer it perfectly, we’re set free to love well, whether or not it’s reciprocated. Since I’m not longer a slave to winning people over, I am no longer roping myself into unhealthy relationships and I can give life and grace to those who do choose me.

Life and love are so beautiful, y’all.

Dating, single, married, divorced, or otherwise, spend some time away with the One who made it and made you. Be reminded of and solidified in your place as His beloved. Let that fill and steady you. Let it heal you. Let it set you free as you love others well.

pits and promises.

Have you ever been in the pit?

Pneumonia was kind of the pits, but I got over it and also learned how to spell the word “pneumonia.”  Once I began feeling better, though, I was flying high!  Back to work, back to life, back to lots of relational ministry.  I started eating better which has made me feel a lot better in general.  I had more energy and even picked up a sewing machine along the way that has supported some new crafty hobbies.  I was determined to make my newly roommate-free home a place I look forward to instead of dread.  It was going quite well for awhile.  I was taking seriously the challenge to not wish away this precious stage of solitude in my life.

Yeah...just like most things, that came to an end.  For nearly a week, I struggled hugely.  I thought living alone again wasn't going to affect me.  I was wrong and I was in a pit.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not awful.  There are a lot of great things to living solo.  I enjoy it a fair amount of the time.  Even when I had a roommate, I got a lot of alone time because she traveled a lot.  So I've already adopted hobbies.  Quite the list actually: harmonica, writing/recording music, crafting, sewing, reading, writing, decorating, movies/Netflix, thrifting, coffee shops, photography, exploring the Cities, volleyball, Spanish, napping, working too much...the list goes on.  I like all of these things and tend to cycle back through them from time to time.  But I started realizing what they were: busted efforts to make my life not suck.  Things to the lick the lonely and beat the boring.  And honestly, I don't think any of these things are bad.  I'll probably still keep doing most all of them (while giving a strong effort not to add to the list).  As great as each of these things can be, though, they aren't relationship.  And boy, has it been made evident to me lately, how much I've been designed for relationship!

So this morning, I wake up to a text from a college friend who happened to be in town asking if I could meet her at Starbucks.  I hustle to get there.  On my way there, my mind was busy thanking God for this random visit with a good friend.  It was helping me see God providing for my need of relationship in the midst of a drier time in my life.  Our conversation goes real, quickly.  We both share how we're in lonely stages of life.  As I drove back home, I was flung deeper into the pit.  I've missed her.  I've missed lots of my dearest friends that live far away.  I went to a coffee shop for the afternoon.  I was tired of being alone for two solid days on the weekends.  I was getting frustrated and pouty.  Having experienced this chain of thinking before and not really wanting to go down that road, I held up a mental stop sign.  Time to shut down the social media and opened up my Bible.  I needed some promises.

I opened to Isaiah 41 and read this verse:
“But as for you, Israel my servant, Jacob my chosen one, descended from Abraham my friend,
I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chose you and will not throw you away.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Promise #1 for me today:  I'm not getting thrown away.  God did choose me for something.  God is with me and is my strength and help.  He captured my attention.  I flipped the pages some more and ended up in Isaiah 49:16:   

“I have your name written on the palms of my hands.”

Promise #2: God loves me enough to get my name tattooed on His hand.  He can’t forget me—it’s right there!

Verse 19 went on to talk about the return of Israel from exile and I loved the promises for the lonely and desolate that God made:
“even the most desolate parts of your abandoned land will soon be crowded with your people.”

Promise #3: Loneliness won’t last forever.  Community will return.

Then to Numbers 23:19 says:
“God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried through?”

Promise #4:  God is not like us.  God is good at keeping promises.

And Jeremiah 33:3:
“Ask and I will tell you the remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”

Promise #5: Ohh…I like this one.  God has awesome secret plans about the future and He will let us in on them if we ask.  It’s like getting to peek behind door #2.

Isaiah 58:10:
“The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.”

Promise #6: God is going to guide me.  He will be the one who provides me with restoration, not hobbies or relationships, but Him alone.  The Word is life.  He doesn’t just want to sustain me either, but make me ever-flowing!

Finally Jeremiah 3:9:
“Then this city will bring me joy, glory, and honor before all the nations of the earth!  The people of the world will see all the good I do for my people, and they will tremble with awe at the peace and prosperity I provide for them.”

Promise #7:  God does good things for His people.  The world will come to know His goodness by us telling how faithful our God is to us.

I could have written several pages of Scripture that God pointed out to me today, but the major theme that rang loud and clear for me today was promises.  Sometimes we are in the pit.  There isn’t much that’s awesome about that.  God, on the other hand, is completely awesome.  The plans are good for us, friends.  He hasn’t forgotten us or thrown us away.  His promise is that the pit won’t last forever and promises to spend precious time in there with us.  He’s excited to bless us so that we can tell the world how awesome our God is!

I left the coffee shop feeling physically lighter and less tense, with a peaceful smile on my face.  Everything isn’t perfect, but my God’s promises are.  They are for you, too…even if your waiting room looks more like a pit.

it’s not the alone, it’s the lonely.

I reconnected with my friend, Mary, for lunch a few days ago.  It was delightful.  She is a dear friend with a delightful personality, fun stories, and has depth of insight and faith.  It’d been awhile, so we caught one another up on our lives.  We shared the joys and the struggles of being two awesome, single women.   We paused for a moment and she said something profound.  “Ya know, I can handle being alone just fine.  It’s the lonely.  The lonely is what is difficult.”

She's so right.

There aren’t too many times that I get lonely.  I do fear it, though, now that I live on my own again.  It’s one of those lies that the enemy really tries to attack me with.  “You’re alone and always will be.”

Friday, I woke up with the same high fever I took to bed with me.   I rolled out of bed and went to the clinic, hoping it was just strep throat and would be dealt with by a few minutes with a doctor and antibiotics from the pharmacy a few isles away.  The PA looked concerned after seeing my 103 temperature and seeing that I couldn’t seem to grasp a deep breath.

She sat down and looked me in the eye.  “You have a really high fever and I’m concerned you have pneumonia.  I’m going to send you to an urgent care to get a chest x-ray.”  She continued on with how she’d call ahead for me and told me she just wouldn’t feel comfortable sending me home without getting checked somewhere else.  She printed out directions for me and sent me on my way.

I walked out to the car in shock.  I was scared.  I’d only known old people or really sick people that got pneumonia.  Some of them even died from it.   Then it happened.  The lonely set in.  “I have to go to this scary doctor and get x-rays by myself.   I don’t feel well.  What if I hear his directions incorrectly?   What if I have to go to the hospital?  I’ll be there alone.  Even if I don’t, I’m going to be home by myself for a few days.  My mom is 600 miles away.  I hate doing this by myself!”

Well, a few days later, I now know a few things that maybe we both can learn a little bit from.

1.        Being lonely is terrible.  It is not the way we were intended to be.  God designed us to love and serve one another.  We weren’t designed to fly solo.  Think of shut-ins in your community, people who live alone, moms who spend long days with young children.  Be someone who invites others to come to your house or invites yourself to theirs.  Let God use you to love the lonely. 

 2.     I am not alone.  Neither are you.  In times like these, or even just regular days when the imagination gets going a little too quickly, it’s really easy to let the enemy trick us into believing we are.  You are not alone.  This is a promise that God has made to you over and over again in Scripture. 

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths,^[a] you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.  Psalm 139:7-10

We train our hearts with God’s truth so that it trusts His promises instead of our feelings.  You are not alone. 


3.     Stop being lonely.  I hate it when I catch myself saying “I’m getting used to being alone.”   I get really frustrated with myself when I realize I’ve thrown a huge pity party for myself, but still think to invite no one.  What I’m getting at is, if you’re lonely, reach out to someone.  I know there are people I could’ve called that would’ve come with me.  I’m too prideful to “inconvenience them.”  Guess what?  People usually don't mind being inconvenienced to help a friend.  I’m embarrassed that I’m not strong enough to take care of myself and all of this on my own, but guess what?  I’m not.  So, lonely people out there, let me hit you with something hard.  Ask for help.  Tell someone you’re lonely.  Let someone love you.  You aren't a bother or a chore.  Fight your fear and invite someone in to the messy parts of your life.  They can help with the clean up and I guarantee it won’t feel nearly as lonely once you do.  Life is so much better lived that way—in messy, real, beautiful, loving, chaotic community.

So last night a dear friend, Tabitha, asked me what she could do to help and instead of saying, “oh, nothing.  I’m fine.”  I told her.  I would love meals and company.  Today, she and two of her kids came over.  They raced up and down my hallway as she made me food that will make me healthy again.  My house was loud and filled with coloring pages and crayon marks and I loved it.  It was crazy, awesome love (and really good food, too).  Great medicine for my soul.

Because really, we’re all sick with something.  We might as well get honest about it and ask for help.  Things aren’t so lonely that way.

independence (pt 2): it wasn't in the plan.

An exciting, yet delayed second blog entry about independence has arrived.  I think I could even attribute the delay of this entry to my surrendering of independence.

I recently moved and now have a roommate.  She is a dear friend of mine and we have spent many hours already moving, organizing, sorting, and arranging.  Not to mention, talking, laughing, crying...yes...it's only been a week, and we've already been emotional.  We're girls.  It's what we do.

My roomie and I in Israel.  We be tough...and a little crazy.

With two strong women living together, the topic of independence has come up several times in our conversations.  This was one of the most recent thoughts passed around.

The creation story.  I'm amazed at how much it speaks to independence.  It wasn't in the plan.  God--a community by God's very nature, three persons--decided to bring humanity into being. 

"Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness...'"
 
He breathed His own breath into Adam.  Adam was made dependent on God.  God gave Him land, plants, animals, breath, water.  Everything.  Not only did God provide Adam with all he needed, but God provided the systems that had needs.  He designed Adam in a way that He could care for Adam.  He designed Adam as one dependent on God.  It was a beautiful relationship.

Even so, God noticed something.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

We were made in the image of a communal God.  Even while Adam was in a perfect relationship with God, He called Adam being alone on the earth "not good"--the only "not good" thing on earth before the fall!  Loneliness isn't wrong.  We weren't made to be alone, but in community, BOTH with God and others.

We need community.  God says so.  Doing our own thing wasn't in the plan.  Then that whole fruit thing happened....yep...independence is enticing.  Eve wanted to be like God, not dependent upon God.  How often do we do the same thing?  It's a daily struggle to surrender to God's will which includes yielding to, working together with, and forgiving those that I'm in community with.  It is allowing myself to be "inconvenienced by community" because we weren't made to be alone.

Independence.  No matter how enticing, accept that this is not our best life.  It never has been and never will be in the plan.

seasons: alone leads to together

Seasons. I'm a seasons girl. While growing up, I went through lots of phases. Phases of Mickey Mouse, Ninja Turtles, dinosaurs, cowgirl things, and lots of other things that live in garage boxes labeled "too cute to throw away." Seasons and phases are something I can get into. And actually, this concept is pretty biblical if you ask me.

Ecclesiastes 3:
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,...You get the picture.

I think it's cool because most of these times or seasons cycle. Think about plants throughout the year. They die, then seeds of the dead cause them to bloom again. We are in constant cycle. We hurt and then we heal, usually just in time to be hurt and healed once again. One part of the cycle leads us into the next.

My seasons? Aloneness and togetherness.

As a single 20-something, I've grown to enjoy both of these very much. I'm recharged by quality time with others. I love to spend time with people--friends new and old. However, there's just something splendid about being on my own. These are two very important things to have in your life no matter your relationship status, but sometimes I feel strange admitting that alone is a great thing for me to be. Being a strong extrovert, I often get looks of surprise when I mention my solo trips to restaurants, movies, coffee shops, you name it. It truly is fun to be that and do that from time to time. You need both.

One of my favorite quotes from Dietrich Bonhoeffer is from Life Together:
"Let him who cannot be alone, beware of community... Let him who is not in community, beware of being alone."

Alone seasons are a time where I get to know God, who He has made me to be, and learn that He's placed a lot of strength and capability within me. It's also a time to realize my depth of brokenness, which reveals my dependence on God and community. So much growth happens when you're simply letting yourself sit in the hands of the Holy One. In the last two years, I have had tremendous personal growth where I have seen God working on me in the meantime. I attribute that growth to seasons where being alone has been more prevalent in my life. This doesn't mean I'm isolated or out of community, but I've definitely been blessed by some "Israelites in the desert"-esque experiences. God taking my hand and saying, "trust me for a season..my promise for you on the other side is great." So far, so difficult, but so worth it. Seasons of alone better equip me for seasons of together. Just like Ecclesiastes, one spurs me back into the other. The beauty is that alone often allows us to be closer to others in the long run. It's a beautiful cycle that I'm learning to embrace more and more.

If you're in an alone season, I feel ya. Hang in there...wait it out until you like it, as the video says, take advantage of what it has to offer, and realize two things:
1) the promises on the other side of being alone are great--wait for them; 2) that even when you're waiting alone, God's promise to never leave or forsake you, to be your Emmanuel, still stands.

In honor of alone seasons, here is a fantastic video. Give it a watch...and take yourself out to dinner. :-)