do you or don't you? the question of wanting to be healed.

Relevant Magazine posted an article nearly a year ago by Jordan Davis called, “Do you want to be healed?”  It looked at the story from John 5 where Jesus encounters a man who was lame, lying at the Pool of Bethesda.  As the pool begins to stir, Jesus goes to the man and asks him, “do you want to get well?”

I’ve been thinking about that article a lot lately.  It seems pretty straight forward, right?  As the article asks, who among us who has been sick, doesn’t want to get well?  It seems like a silly question.  Then you begin to think about it…there’s a reason why it was asked.

I saw Beth Moore a couple of weeks ago at the Living Proof Conference in Phoenix.  It was a wonderful experience.  She shared a powerful message with us about being marked.  We are marked by Christ.  We are also marked by our wounds.  One of the talks she gave really focused on our desire to hang on to the wounds.

There are people who have ongoing wounds that won’t heal.  Some people have ports that need to stay open.  Others have wounds that never completely mend.  Those wounds have to be tended to.  Cleaned, freed from infection, and given attention.

This can be us.  We like the attention our wounds take.  We desire the attention that our broken places get us.  We don’t know what life would be like without our wounds.  So here we are; addicted to what's hurting us most.  Tending the same wounds over and over again and never allowing them to breathe and heal, so that we can move elsewhere with our focus.

For the past few years, Easter has been a powerful time of freedom for me.  It’s a time where I reflect with God about how free I actually am.  The Lenten journey is about revealing the places where I’ve enslaved myself and Easter is all about bringing them to the surface and claiming freedom.  With vulnerability, I admit that there were so many areas of unhealthiness that came to mind this year, that I didn’t even allow myself to continue the list.

That’s what happens when we let a sore fester.  Brokenness takes charge and creates problems we never had in the first place.  For me, my addiction to working has hurt my exercise habits, my eating, my social life, my spiritual life, my emotional health, and has broken my attitude toward many things.

We complain about the wounds, the shortcomings or disappointments in our lives, the extra stress, the bad habits, the lack of fulfillment in our relationship with the Lord, the lack of community, the financial struggles, and the goals left unmet.  And yet…the question still lingers.

Is the answer still so obvious?  Do you want to be healed?

If so, how badly?  Badly enough to be totally uncomfortable and in an unfamiliar place?  Badly enough to work hard?  Or stop working?  Or be terribly disciplined?

Badly enough to ask for help and admit you can’t do it alone?  Badly enough to seek counseling or medical care?  Badly enough to confess fault or forgive someone elses or both?

Badly enough to stop eating things you shouldn’t?  Or watching things you shouldn’t?  Or being with people you shouldn’t?

Badly enough to take a risk?  Badly enough to know that failure might be an option, but willing to try anyway?

Do you want to be healed badly enough to be exposed?  Or to swallow your pride and admit that things weren’t working before?

Badly enough to talk to a stranger in hopes of making a new friend?  Badly enough to look past insecurity?  Badly enough to say “no more” to fear and walk boldly?

Do you want to be healed badly enough that you’re willing to give up your right to hold that grudge?  To still be angry?  To still complain?

The man’s response to Jesus was “but Sir, I don’t have anyone to help me get into the pool.”

Yep.  I have often told Jesus how difficult it would be to be healed.  It’s too hard.  It’s not worth it.  I can’t, Jesus.  Telling everyone how much I'd like to get up and walk...but boy, it's just never been the right time.

I love the Lord’s response: “Take up your mat and walk.”

Here it is.  This is how you’re going to see healing.  Will you trust Me and do what will heal you??

It will take work.  It may be difficult.  It will take faith.  Will you step into the healing available for you?

Will you be proactive?  Will you make new and better choices?  Will you get help?

There are some powerful women that I know with amazing gifts of prayer.  They prayed over me a couple weeks ago and among them there was a resounding consensus about my welfare.  “You are overburdened.”  I guess I’d known it, but having it spoken by others hit me.  One of the women looked me in the eye and said, “you don’t have to carry this by yourself…what you need to do is rest in the loving arms of Jesus.”

My wound of overworking was being exposed.  She was right.  I raced into the Word that week.  I needed to be still in rest in my Daddy’s arms.

One step at a time, healing can be found.  You may never see yourself as completely healed in this side of eternity, but always more free than before.  I pray for your freedom and healing.  For God does His best work through us, when we lie free and open for Him to use.

There are always resources for getting healed in many and various ways.  If you don’t know where to start, ask a friend, a teacher, a pastor or church minister, a counselor.  They’ll help you make a plan.

Jesus offers healing.  We see it in the cross and the empty tomb.  He is life.  He desires life for you in the biggest, fullest, least inhibited way.  He showed that He’s all about giving you life when He gave you His.  There is no wound too big for His power.

I have goals for my life.  Goals to achieve, accomplish, and to engage.  But first, before any of that is worth doing or maybe even possible to attain, I have to seek health.  I truly believe that some of the struggles from my last couple of years have been so that I would find the deep healing at this place in my story.

And so I have to ask myself and you have to ask yourself…today and everyday going forward…are you ready?  Do you want to be healed?

not on the same path: giving God some praise.

Well, I've come a long way since this day.  26 years of adventures, misadventures, lessons, joys, hardships, and lots of laughs have brought me to where I am today.  I am in awe.  God, You are so good to me.

I recently had a conversation with one of my dearest friends from college.  He is doing professional theatre and working on an MFA in acting in the south.  He's living his dream and I, mine.  We're in places that have been a long time coming.  It's amazing to see that journey unfold and say "I made it to this great landmark of life!"  He and I were talking, though, how easy it is to be at this point and look at the people that you used to share a landmark with.  Whether you were at the same place in grade school, high school, college, or the past decade, it can be tempting to compare.  Some people are married and about ready to have their third child.  Others are overseas doing Bible translating in remote locations or working on their doctorate.  Some are busy pursuing music while others are loving being full-time mamas.  It's amazing to think that all of us once stood at the same land mark.    It's so easy to think that some are ahead or behind of others.

 As we talked, I heard God speaking wisdom about journey.  You cannot be ahead or behind if you're not on the same path.  That still makes me smile.  There's no use comparing journeys or trying to measure the story of your life against another's.  It doesn't even make sense.  And how you do measure it?  You can't.  You're on a different road.

So on this 26th birthday, I praise You, God, for my unique path; my never-before-written story.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made--help me to hold fast to that!

I thank You for the many and various places in Your world that You've allowed me to see.  Natural wonders, historical places, rich cultures and people; Your beauty surrounds and speaks to Your glory.

I praise You for the wonderful people along the journey that have been characters in my story.  They teach me about You and show me a bit more of Your image.

I praise You for your provision and how You've steadied my heart through many and various storms and trials.

I praise and thank You for how You've called me to serve Your Church.  I am humbled and joyful.

I thank You for the gentle reminders of Your love and grace in my life and the opportunity to share those with others.  In You, is wholeness.

I PRAISE You for what is to come Jesus and how You are working behind the scenes!  You know how I love surprises!

I praise You for where You've led me through, where You have me right now, and where You are leading me next.  Thank you for being my faithful travel partner who navigates the road and unfolds the story with such beauty, grace, and creativity.  I wouldn't trade my path for anything.

"stop telling me what I can't do with you."

It’s still a little surreal, but I’m here.  The first wave of reality hit about half way through the road trip.  I’m actually doing this. 

At the risk of completely blowing my confident cover as a single 20-something doing her thang, I’m going to level with you.  As utterly excited as I am for this move and new job, I get freaked out sometimes.  I let my thoughts get away from me and the enemy attacks with accusing questions.  Am I going to be any good at this?  Will I thrive here?  Will I be liked?  Will this be where I’ll stay forever?  What about buying a house?  What if I don’t make friends?  What if I stop growing?

What if I can’t do it?

Fears and doubts.  I don’t like them at all.  It’s a struggle I’ve seen surface in the past few months.  I’m sure it’s been there most of my life, but only recently have been able to see it for what it is.  It’s not all the time, but occasionally I’ll catch my mind jumping aboard this train of cyclical fear-filled thought.  I’ll act and realize that I’ve just made a decision out of fear.

Fear isn’t from God except if it’s for God.  It’s sinful—pulling circumstances from God’s capable hands and letting them overflow through our trembling fingers.  I want to stop making decisions out of fear.  Fear isn’t freedom.  Taking a big step despite fear is freedom, though.  A few months ago, I really felt God saying to me, “Stop telling me what I can’t do with you.”  I agreed with God.  I have been doing that for a long time in many areas of my life and I want to be done with it.  I’m excited to see what You’ll do, Lord.  You like using the improbable and scary.  Thank you, God, for helping me get to this place. 

Overcoming fear means trusting in the goodness and promises of God—for your life, for your eternity, for your family, your job, your future, your relationships, your well-being, for everything.  It’s trusting that God is so very faithful.  It’s trusting He brought me here for His holy purposes that He’s going to accomplish.  It’s trusting that He loves His people and His Church.  It’s trusting that He loves me.  Because of all these promises I know to be true, it’s going to be okay.  Better than okay. 

I read a quote today that went something like this:
“Memorizing God’s promises could be the difference between winning and losing the battles of your day.”

Philippians 4:6 has been my favorite as of late.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7

I cling to these promises, keep breathing, and take one thing at a time.  It’s the enemy’s trick to make the storm look bigger and our God look smaller.  For me, too many thoughts easily turn into a mind tornado, but one at a time is a lovely breeze at my back that pushes me to steadily move forward.

Lord, today I’m choosing Your promises over my fears.  You know better and will be glorified and further Your Kingdom with Your plans.  I want to be part of that.  I need You’re help to trust, but I know You’re able to bring me peace and strength just as much as You are able to deal with all that surrounds me.  Help me to trust You’ll never leave me and that You can use me, even when I fear.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

as the seasons change.

The sun is warm and bright.  The degrees are in the 70's and the snow is gone.  Gradually you see the people of the north land peeking out the window to see if the dreaded winter monster has left.  It's a fickle monster, but at least for awhile it's away.  It might come to scare us again before the summer, but for now it looks like the seasons are changing.  The Cities come to life.  Patios open.  The warmth brings exhilaration and relief.  I must admit it takes me a good while to not feel naked without a scarf, but I embrace the change.  The warm breeze brings hints of new adventure to come as the seasons change.

I've mentioned seasons before (see "seasons: alone leads to together") on this blog.  They are an important pattern in life.  It's God's way of letting us know that He is still moving and moving forward.  It's awe inspiring.  You get to experience the richness of that season--be it sledding in the snow, strolling through leaves, swimming in the lake, or watching the earth reawaken.  And all the while that you're taking these lovely things in, you know it won't last. The grandeur of another season will soon take its place. 

My friend, Mary, (Mar--you may as well be a guest writer here) and I were talking about seasons the other night at dinner.  Mary let me in on a little life philosophy of hers: To live everyday like the wedding is tomorrow.  It could be an actual wedding you're thinking of or figurative, but to live your life like you're on the brink.  There's joy and excitement the day before a wedding for nearly everyone involved!  The thought of living life in that way is thrilling even at its mention.  It's believing that what God is going to do next and what is coming is going to be so great that I'm giddy!  It is the joy of what He's going to do and eventually how He will be our Eternal Groom.  That's SO thrilling that the joy spills into today.  Because friends, not everything is perfect about any season.  The flowers might bring allergies or lots of mud, the snow is cold and can be dreary, the fall (is pretty close to perfect) can bring cold winds and foliage withers, while summer can be scorching and packed with activity.  There are wonderful and difficult things about each season and at times we find ourselves longing for the next one.  I find myself longing for my next season of life--whatever that looks like.  There are things about my story right now that make me look forward to what is next.

I think God conveniently made it that way after the fall.  Our perfect relationship with Him that we  were designed for was broken.  For us, that means that no stage or season, until we see Jesus face to face, will feel complete.  It's not supposed to.  We were made for a lot more than this and if we did feel complete in it, we would more easily forget about our Maker.  So we wait and look forward with giddy excitement.  Tomorrow could be the day that a new season arrives in your story!

The other half of my conversation with my friend was about contentment.  Great combination, right?  Contentment is an on-again, off-again struggle for me.  Some days I'm happy as a clam with my story and the current setting and plot.  Other days, I struggle.  I struggled living on my own again.  I was angry about feeling isolated.  Finally, one day, it was as if God said to me, "don't wish this away."  I was changed in that moment.  I'm done wishing away seasons.  They come and go quickly enough as it is and I always seem to be wanting what I don't have.  I'm done with that.  Well, I'm trying to be.  Contentment is choosing to see time spent alone as an appointment set aside by my Creator to simply enjoy my company without interruption.  These times and opportunities that I have with Him and to minister to others are unique--the richness of this season.  Even though I'm excited for what is to come, I refuse to wish that away.  It is such a sweet, sweet meantime.

Anticipation and contentment.  We need both pieces.  Life is best lived when we are, both looking forward in anticipation for what's to come, as well as refusing to wish away where we are.  Here's to joy in the journey, for stories of seasons past, for the beauty of the present, and the thrill of what's to come.

remarkable secrets about things to come.

Prayer is a funny thing.  Have you ever felt like your words or thoughts are just bouncing off the ceiling?  I feel like this a lot.  It's a hurdle for me in my prayer life, but I know that God has gifted me with conversation with Him.  Yes, there are times when the conversation seems more like a monologue.  However, the Word says that it's to His delight and for my betterment that I seek Him.  So I do.  Well, I try to, at least.

The following paragraphs are my best attempt of putting into words how God has been speaking to me lately and responding to my prayers.  Warning: If words were money, I spent my whole pay check on this entry.  God has just been showing up in so many places in my story.

So last week, God ripped Scripture open for me (see Pits and Promises).  Out of the several awesome chunks of Scripture He showed me, I chose to memorize one particular verse that just caught my heart.

Jeremiah 33:3: "Ask and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about what is to come."

I'd been seeking the Lord a lot lately about my future and what He dreams about me doing for His kingdom.  This verse was a promise I could hold onto.  As I asked, He would reveal.  He would reveal His heart for me, for the world, and for those that I can love and serve in the Name of Jesus, for the glory of Jesus.  I've repeated that Scripture over and over this past week.

Meanwhile, I had the privilege of leading worship and doing a short message at the Minnesota Early Childhood Educators Conference yesterday.  I was led to a scripture from Psalm 22 to share with them.  It says this:

²⁷ All the ends of the earth
   will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
   will bow down before him,
²⁸ for dominion belongs to the LORD
   and he rules over the nations. ...
  ³⁰ Posterity will serve him;
   future generations will be told about the Lord.
³¹ They will proclaim his righteousness,
   declaring to a people yet unborn:
   He has done it!   

I was delighted upon reading this Psalm.  It tied in to what God had shown me last week about people all over the world knowing Him.  It'd showed me His heart for people.  It also showed me His heart for raising up generations that know and fear Him.  We are called to make His Name known to generations to come.  So that was what I shared with these teachers whose conference theme was "Lasting Impression."  I gave them 2 challenges:
         1.)  Let God's love in Christ be impressed upon them.  Be affected by His love.  Get in
         His Word.  Swim in His love and grace.  Know Him and be loved and changed by Him.
         2.) Share that with your kids.  Let them in on how good God is and what He's been
         up to in your life in both struggles and joy.

I continued to chew on this passage.  It made me think of my excitement to be a godmother soon!  In about a month, a new life will enter the world and I've been invited to be a permanent part of that child's life.  I get to love this child relentlessly, teach this little one about how much Jesus loves her/him more relentlessly, and support the tike's parents in raising her/him.  It's thrilling to me--God's crazy love for younger generations, even ones unborn.

So this morning I'm in worship.  I'm continuing to ask God to share His remarkable secrets with me about things to come.  And wow.  I was astounded by what happened.

We looked at Proverbs 4 this week.  It's all about wisdom being passed down through generations--mostly from a father to his children.  Our guest preacher, Dean, let the Holy Spirit speak some powerful truth through him today.  He talked about what a great Dad our Heavenly Father is.  He promises love and wisdom and grants it to us faithfully.   One of the greatest reasons He does this, is so we can share that wisdom and God's love with future generations.  Wow.  There's a lot of connecting going on for me.  I'm gripped as he continues to speak.

My beautiful college students in Nicaragua.

Dean points out Psalm 78:5-7 which basically mirrors that of Psalm 22, with similar language and everything.  I'm in awe.  He charges everyone in the room with the responsibility to love those children and young people intrusted to them.  Parents, grandparents, singles, uncles/aunts, friends.  He reminds us that it takes a village to raise a child (a quote I used YESTERDAY when talking to my godchild's grandmother who happened to be at the conference).  I suddenly felt joy as I thought back to the Scripture I'd read last week in Isaiah 49 about my most desolate places being full and saying "who has given me all these descendants?"  God was showing me that even as a single, young woman, He has entrusted me with the lives of many young people to whom I need to speak His love and truth.  I have little cousins, friends' children whom I love dearly, beautiful Keyla that I sponsor in Nicaragua, lots of college students that I love more than I understand and desire Godly lives for, my volleyball girls from the fall, and now my godchild.  There is no waiting when it comes to loving and raising up future generations.  This has been going on and will continue.

I was brought to tears when I realized that God had entrusted these people to me to love on His behalf.  Then Dean shared a few more Scriptures.  Deuteronomy 6:4-9--a Scripture that we looked at over and over again in my college ministry program.  Then, he read it.  Jeremiah 33:3.  My verse for the week.  My jaw dropped as I looked at my friend and said "no freaking way."

I began to get really emotional and you'll soon see why.  Since I was maybe in high school, God has been growing my heart for those who haven't been chosen--especially children.  Those who don't have supportive parents, who were told they weren't wanted or couldn't be made a priority, and especially the orphaned of the world.  There are few groups of people more dear to my heart.  God's Word even says that right religion in His sight is looking after the orphans and widows and not being corrupted by the world.  I've dreamed through college about adopting children.  My roommate and I had dreams of moving to West Africa or Latin America and starting an orphanage where we'd sit on the porch and choose children who need to be chosen.  It's almost laughable--I'm even reading a book right now about a young woman who up and moved to Africa and ended up adopting 14 children there (Kisses from Katie).  I asked for God's wisdom about the remarkable secrets of things to come.  I think He was showing me a glimpse today.  I think He knows I need a lot of hints.  But it's clear to me that in some way, I was made for choosing those who haven't been chosen and showing them they were already chosen by their faithful heavenly Father.
 

 As I stood their singing, "I will go, Lord, send me...take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands," I felt God saying, "oh sweet girl, I'm going to use you for this."  I don't know what that looks like yet.  I hope it looks like serving on teams that relieve orphanage nannies and mothers or even being an orphanage mother!  I hope it looks like a time and place in life where I can adopt children and choose them.  Until He reveals a few more secrets, I will be finding ways to invest in and love young people with God's love wherever I am living and serving.  I am so very open to how God wants to use that passion in me for His Kingdom.  God's dreams are so big.  I'd love your prayers in preparing me and leading me for what He has in store.  I'd also love for you to join me in praying about and acting on how you can influence generations toward Him and with His love.  It's something that even those of us in the meantime can invest in.  Heck, maybe this is what we've been waiting for!

pits and promises.

Have you ever been in the pit?

Pneumonia was kind of the pits, but I got over it and also learned how to spell the word “pneumonia.”  Once I began feeling better, though, I was flying high!  Back to work, back to life, back to lots of relational ministry.  I started eating better which has made me feel a lot better in general.  I had more energy and even picked up a sewing machine along the way that has supported some new crafty hobbies.  I was determined to make my newly roommate-free home a place I look forward to instead of dread.  It was going quite well for awhile.  I was taking seriously the challenge to not wish away this precious stage of solitude in my life.

Yeah...just like most things, that came to an end.  For nearly a week, I struggled hugely.  I thought living alone again wasn't going to affect me.  I was wrong and I was in a pit.

Don't get me wrong.  It's not awful.  There are a lot of great things to living solo.  I enjoy it a fair amount of the time.  Even when I had a roommate, I got a lot of alone time because she traveled a lot.  So I've already adopted hobbies.  Quite the list actually: harmonica, writing/recording music, crafting, sewing, reading, writing, decorating, movies/Netflix, thrifting, coffee shops, photography, exploring the Cities, volleyball, Spanish, napping, working too much...the list goes on.  I like all of these things and tend to cycle back through them from time to time.  But I started realizing what they were: busted efforts to make my life not suck.  Things to the lick the lonely and beat the boring.  And honestly, I don't think any of these things are bad.  I'll probably still keep doing most all of them (while giving a strong effort not to add to the list).  As great as each of these things can be, though, they aren't relationship.  And boy, has it been made evident to me lately, how much I've been designed for relationship!

So this morning, I wake up to a text from a college friend who happened to be in town asking if I could meet her at Starbucks.  I hustle to get there.  On my way there, my mind was busy thanking God for this random visit with a good friend.  It was helping me see God providing for my need of relationship in the midst of a drier time in my life.  Our conversation goes real, quickly.  We both share how we're in lonely stages of life.  As I drove back home, I was flung deeper into the pit.  I've missed her.  I've missed lots of my dearest friends that live far away.  I went to a coffee shop for the afternoon.  I was tired of being alone for two solid days on the weekends.  I was getting frustrated and pouty.  Having experienced this chain of thinking before and not really wanting to go down that road, I held up a mental stop sign.  Time to shut down the social media and opened up my Bible.  I needed some promises.

I opened to Isaiah 41 and read this verse:
“But as for you, Israel my servant, Jacob my chosen one, descended from Abraham my friend,
I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chose you and will not throw you away.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Promise #1 for me today:  I'm not getting thrown away.  God did choose me for something.  God is with me and is my strength and help.  He captured my attention.  I flipped the pages some more and ended up in Isaiah 49:16:   

“I have your name written on the palms of my hands.”

Promise #2: God loves me enough to get my name tattooed on His hand.  He can’t forget me—it’s right there!

Verse 19 went on to talk about the return of Israel from exile and I loved the promises for the lonely and desolate that God made:
“even the most desolate parts of your abandoned land will soon be crowded with your people.”

Promise #3: Loneliness won’t last forever.  Community will return.

Then to Numbers 23:19 says:
“God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried through?”

Promise #4:  God is not like us.  God is good at keeping promises.

And Jeremiah 33:3:
“Ask and I will tell you the remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”

Promise #5: Ohh…I like this one.  God has awesome secret plans about the future and He will let us in on them if we ask.  It’s like getting to peek behind door #2.

Isaiah 58:10:
“The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.”

Promise #6: God is going to guide me.  He will be the one who provides me with restoration, not hobbies or relationships, but Him alone.  The Word is life.  He doesn’t just want to sustain me either, but make me ever-flowing!

Finally Jeremiah 3:9:
“Then this city will bring me joy, glory, and honor before all the nations of the earth!  The people of the world will see all the good I do for my people, and they will tremble with awe at the peace and prosperity I provide for them.”

Promise #7:  God does good things for His people.  The world will come to know His goodness by us telling how faithful our God is to us.

I could have written several pages of Scripture that God pointed out to me today, but the major theme that rang loud and clear for me today was promises.  Sometimes we are in the pit.  There isn’t much that’s awesome about that.  God, on the other hand, is completely awesome.  The plans are good for us, friends.  He hasn’t forgotten us or thrown us away.  His promise is that the pit won’t last forever and promises to spend precious time in there with us.  He’s excited to bless us so that we can tell the world how awesome our God is!

I left the coffee shop feeling physically lighter and less tense, with a peaceful smile on my face.  Everything isn’t perfect, but my God’s promises are.  They are for you, too…even if your waiting room looks more like a pit.

He knows the plans and they're good.

Life in the meantime isn't always awesome.

I'm not trying to bring you down, but it's true.  It's not that life is terrible or that we are plagued with meantime living.  That's far from the truth.  It's just that living in the meantime, or any other time for that matter, isn't perfect.  There will be struggles and trials.  And we press on.

Yesterday, in two different venues, I heard a famous reading from the book of Jeremiah 29.  It goes like so:

This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”  (Jer. 29:10-14)

 The bold verse in the passage is one that is memorized, recited, and written on mugs and shirts.  It's a common response to "what's your favorite Bible verse?"

Now, I've heard lots of people talk about how ridiculous that is.  That people wouldn't choose this verse as a happy, hopeful word if they knew that the context was Babylonian exile.  God says to Israel through Jeremiah "I have good plans to prosper you....after 70 years of being in exile by Babylonians who will not be kind to you."  That's not an addendum we usually find when people use this Scripture.

Even so, I would be the last person to say that it isn't one we should be quoting and clinging to.  Sure, maybe people use it as a "feel good" Scripture.  I know a lot of people who cling to that specific word in the midst of difficulty, which is what it's all about.  The fact that context is so unbelievably difficult and awful, makes the promise all the more beautiful and meaningful.

Because, like I said, living in the meantime is rough.  Can you imagine the meantime feeling of the Israelites in Babylon?  Some had conformed and embraced the culture, but others just waited longingly to go back to Judah, Jerusalem, the Holy place where God resided.  In those times, too, we see in Jeremiah, that when we seek God, He will be found.  He won't be distant or make you stay in exile, but has good things ahead.d

I had a friend say to me recently how awesome it has been to see God refining me in the past 2 or 3 years.  She told me she could see me drawing near to the Lord more than ever.  All of this surprised me.  (It's good for people to let you know you've grown, by the way.  Sometimes it's hard to see that about yourself.)  She explained that she's seen me have struggles--people coming in and out of my life, hardships, transitions--but she reassured me that God is doing something with me.  My friend has seen me through lonely months, through spiritual and sin struggles, working through wounds, and through dealing with uncertain future.  She said, "I can see how much God is refining you.  It came with a cost, but He's drawn you near through those things and refining you for something."  What a gift for that perspective.  What excitement and hope I have for what is to come.

What's your exile today?  A relationship?  A job situation or transition?  A period of loneliness or bitterness?  Trust in the promise that through those things, God knows the plans He has for you and they are good.  Seek Him and find Him in that situation.  Let God use it as a refining fire for you and what your future holds.  That refining fire happens when we let Him have His way with us and draw near to Him and His Word.

Come have your way, Lord, with our meantimes, with our exiles, with our hardships.  You know the plans You have for us.  Draw us near for the journey.

praising God for what's to come.

So last week I went to this worship conference.  It was a high impact kind of week.  There were in depth sessions about worship, leadership, personal worship, and the theology of all those aforementioned.  All that, plus some deep worship experiences that were, dare I say, out of the box for me.  Even though the group in leadership was of a Christian perspective that was quite different than my own in both theology and practice, I must say that I learned quite a lot.

And oddly enough, worship taught me some things about life and faith and who God is for us.

This week I learned that the word "praise" in the Old Testament actually equals 7 different words in Hebrew.  Each Hebrew word denotes a specific way to bring praise to God.  Google it if you're interested.  There are lots of websites about it.  I must admit that there are some ways to praise that were a bit outside of my comfort zone.  SHABACH praise is giving a loud shout.  BARAK is to "kneel down in adoration" or "to bless."  ZAMAR and HALLAL are probably my favorites.  ZAMAR is praising with an instrument and HALLAL (the root of Hallelujah) is an overflow of joy in Lord, which is about the equivalent of a "happy dance." :-)  Cool, right?  The one that really caught my attention, though, was Towdah.

TOWDAH means an extension of the hands (which you'd find is also the word YADAH), but with a specific purpose.  This is extending the hands in acceptance and thanksgiving to God for what is to come.  It is praising God for "things not yet received."  Jeremiah 30:19 is one of the passages marked by this kind of praise.

Isn't that beautiful?  TOWDAH is the trust and confidence to believe God when He says He's working for our good and expressing that in praise.  I was thinking about this I realized that this concept is all over in Scripture.

Philippians 4:6 says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I don't know about you, but the things I'm usually anxious about are unknowns.  The most common unknown?  Our future.  God says, "don't be anxious...talk to me about it."  And because we trust in His goodness, we praise God for how He is going to answer our prayer.


Matthew 6 is ALL about worry.  Again, worrying about the future.  God says we're worth more than birds and they get taken care of.  After all, God didn't send is Beloved Son to save birds.  Praise Him for His provision both for now and in the future.

It made me think of a day back in my Captive Free days.

Captive Free NorthEast 04-05

 I was serving on this youth ministry team that put 7 people in a van for 12 months covering the Northeast region of the US.  We were a band that played at churches, youth events, VBS, etc and we stayed with host families every night lined up by the churches or organizations hosting us.  We were completely at the mercy (or maybe grace would be a better word here) of our hosts when it came to where we would be sleeping or what we would be eating.  I remember a very specific day sitting in the van on a long driving day.  In hour 4 of 8 for the day, it hit me.  I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight.  I don't know the name of the church or most of the time even the city that we'll be in.  I don't know what I'll be eating tonight or tomorrow or the next day.  I do know, though, that all will be provided and it'll work out.  It was odd how much comfort I was able to take in that moment of such huge unknown.  It was my life.  And in that moment, I praised God.  I TOWDAH'ed God for what He had provided and how He would provide in the future, knowing His outrageous love for me and my team.

I am speechless as I relive that moment.

God, I'm waiting.  But right now, I TOWDAH You for the wondrous ways You've loved and provided in the past and the unfathomable things You have in store.  I can't wait to see You say "Tah-Daahhh" as you continue to surprise us with blessings.  In the meantime, I'm saying TOWDAH.

meantime adventures.

Memorial Day weekend is awesome.  You know that feeling that comes half way through Sunday when you're like "tomorrow is Monday?!  Where'd the weekend go?!"  Well, this week it doesn't count!

The past week has deserved an extra day off and day off I had.  Following a busy week and sort of a lazy/mopey day yesterday, a free, beautiful Memorial Day hanging with my dear friend was just what the doctor ordered.  Today I realized something.  A milestone has passed this week and it's been tough because I don't have much to look forward to at the moment.  I've been busy soaking up the present, but that's been a difficult present to live in.  It's important to do that, but the time has come to lift my chin up and look forward.

So today I decided to make a list of summer adventures I want to go on.  In effort to soak up every moment of Minnesota awesomeness, making a list is the best way to be intentional and actually make that happen.  So here ya go:

Shelly's List of Summer Adventures

• Camping/Backpacking on an overnight.
• Go to the Stonearch bridge.
• Go to Stillwater (It's about time.  Right, Katy?)
• Some sort of water activity -- tubing, canoeing, etc.
• Begin learning harmonica.
• Write 4 new songs.
• Happy Hour on Stella's roof patio.
• At least 2 Sunday afternoons at a lake beach doing absolutely nothing.
• buy produce at Minneapolis Farmer's Market.
• Make salmon for dinner.
• Go to Valley Fair (& take bathing suit this year).
• Outdoor concert and/or summer movie.
• Explore a new area of the cities (including going to a new restaurant or coffee shop)
• Eat at Seasalt.
• Read 2 books about campus ministry/college aged people.
• Go fishing.
• Run, walk, or rollerblade (hopefully a couple of times a week)
• Try a new food.
• Dress up and go dancing.
• Go to a Saints game.
• Tell someone how I see Jesus in them.
• Be Jesus to someone.
• Go on a road trip of some sort.
• See a show at the Guthrie.
• Put red in my hair.
• Surprise someone with a gift.
• Bring joy.

Donald Miller wrote a book called "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."  It's all about living a better story.  I'm not convinced that doing all of these things will bring about a better meantime story for me, but they could be some great catalysts to some awesome stories.  Just thinking about these things gives me joy and excitement.  Who knows who I will meet, who I will share these adventures with, what we will find, or what will happen when we get there.  I'm excited to find out.  Sometimes it's hard to see a beginning when you end something great.  The past few days I've been clinging to the truth in the Word that says God is making all things new and working for the good of those who love him.  Here's to a new beginning full of meantime adventures.

letting down my nets: obedience in waiting.

Luke 5:5 says something to me.  It speaks strength and trust.  It speaks persistence and obedience in the midst of utter exhaustion and desperation.  The disciples were a clan of doubters who asked silly questions and needed to be told over and over again.  Yet, in this verse, tired and sure of nothing but who they knew Christ to be, they obeyed His request.  Luke 5:5 encourages me. 

Luke 5:

 ⁴ When [Jesus] had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”
 ⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” 

Life in the past couple of weeks has been a bit of a whirlwind.  Finals week with all of the accompanying ceremonies, my sister's wedding and all that entails, and getting back in time to say goodbye to friends moving today.  And it still isn't over.  The next week holds more services, parties, and goodbyes.

Much around me is changing quickly.  I'm surprisingly grounded at the moment.  Maybe it's surreality or maybe it's peace reigning in my heart.  Either way, I'm doing okay.  I think, though, the thing that's made the difference is this:  I'm rejoicing in obedience.  Weird, right?

I truly am heartbroken at the amount of my closest people that are going here and there. 

This has been a wonderful time in my life.  I'm grieving at the loss of people and routine hangout times.  I have to.  It it my tendency to be tough and lock it up.  I have to keep telling myself that it is a big deal.  It does deserve weight.  That being said, I am glad to say that God is more creative than that (thanks for naming this for me, Barrett).  It's not just a sad ending.

Last week, God showed me how awesome it is that I have such amazing people in my life who are willing to say "Here I am, Lord.  Send me!"  I rejoice in their obedience to take up the call to go to seminary, on ministry internships, or be sent to be used by Him.  My sadness is proof of their obedience to God's call even though it proves difficult.  I rejoice in that obedience.  I rejoice in what God has done in them and how He will use them in the future.  I rejoice that I get to watch and be their prayer warrior and cheerleader.  I rejoice in their love for Jesus and surrender to Him.  I'm also clinging to my own obedience.  My friends have asked me to come along to St. Louis.  I could've if I really wanted to.  I know, though, that I am called here.  I realize more and more all of the time that this is where God is using me for now and for who knows how long.  I have realized that I am not just being left behind, but also taking up my call to stay here.  Jesus, give me a spirit of obedience even though it is trying.

And so I come back to Luke 5:5.  The disciples had been fishing all night.  They'd waited and waited.  The night was tough.  It wasn't what they'd expected, but even when it was difficult and they were so tired, they said, "okay, Lord, we'll obey Your request."  They did.  And guess what, He knew best.  Go figure.

My favorite sign in Israel was at the spot that commemorated Jesus and His fisherman disciples.  It said this:

At Thy word I will let down the net.  Luke 5:5 

"The deeds and miracle of Jesus are not actions of the past.  Jesus is waiting for those who are still prepared to take risks at His word because they trust His power utterly.”

Give us obedience as we wait to see Your will unfold even in adversity.  Help us trust in Your power utterly.  Today, my heart aches, but I know it's You who has the plans and so I give mine to You.  Lord, today, I'm letting down my nets because You've said so.

thanks for asking. I'm okay with my meantime.

It doesn't bother me that greatly.  I know people mean well.  I know it's that time of year when people ask about future things.  In the past few days, I've had the following conversation several times.

CCI (Curious, Caring Individual): "So Shelly, are you going to be in this job for another year?"
Me: "Yeah!  That's the plan."
CCI: "Okay, so another year here, and then what?  Do you know where you're headed after that?  Any plans?"
Me: "Uhh...well...I'm not really sure.  Maybe I'll be here longer.  Maybe God will toss some opportunities my way and I'll see how they fit when they come along.  I'm excited about where I am right now, though, and okay with not knowing for awhile."
CCI: "Ohh...alright.  Okay.  Yeah, that's great.  That's great."

Sigh.  Does anyone else just get rocked by those conversations?  I leave chats like that feeling like I don't know what's going on in my life.  Like there is this "life to do" list for 24 year olds that nobody ever showed me.  Gah..I feel so clueless about life sometimes.

I went back to my hometown recently.  I see these lovely friends from high school who are married, have bought a house, and are having or have children.  And I think..."geesh...I haven't done anything with my life!"  After a drink of water, slap in the face, and some deep breaths, I come back to reality and remind myself of what is true.  And that is this:

I've already done a lot in my short life.  I've got to travel to several continents and countries.  I've lived in a van, traveling the east coast for a year in a band.  I've spent a year doing ministry in Arizona.  I've had an awesome college experience that has been rich intellectually and relationally.  I've got to serve, experience, and do things I wouldn't have otherwise.  I've got to love people deeply and be loved deeply.  I've been stretched and pulled and prodded and watched God unfold things in me I would've never dreamed were there.  I realized that it comes down to choices.

We all have choices in life.  We can do one thing or another.  We each have different wandering paths on our journey of life.  How foolish to think that one is ahead of another based on the status of many and various life variables.  Comparison is a deadly and paralyzing sin.  The truth is, you could take one step forward and be knocked back five.  You may think you're almost to your goal or have plans about to unfold and your world completely changes.  Have goals, but have joy.  Have joy in today.  Take the pressure off.  Have joy in how God is using you now.  Have joy in the gift of where you are in the moment.

Last night, as I thought through all of these things, I realized this: all of these expectations and attempts on figuring out the future are too much for me to handle.  So I said, "alright, God...I don't know what I'm doing.  I'm going to let you have this.  Actually...just take it all.  I'll just be good with right now.  The meantime.  Kick me where you want me.  Prepare me for how you'll use me or where you'll take me."  We have to have these conversations from time to time, but this was a big one.  Strangely, through that, I've been given peace once again.

So that's where I've landed.  If you're wondering...I don't know where I'm heading.  I don't know what kind of ministry I want to serve in or in what state or country.  I don't know if I'll get married in the next 5 or 10 years or have a family.  I don't know any of that.  I don't even really know what next week looks like.  And here I am.  Okay with it.  God is good and God is God--reigning over all of those things.  So thanks for caring.  Thanks for asking.  I'm quite enjoying my meantime.

keep moving.

Throughout the process of "In the Meantime," I've observed how much people despise waiting.  Everything about our culture screams instant gratification.  We are a people who want and want now.  I see this and know it's true, but in the past week, God has shown me how willing and even insistent we are to wait for things when we are uncertain of their outcome.  Track with me...

Right now on campus, we're in a Lenten series that is taking us on a journey to the cross via the story of Israel journeying to the Promised Land.  Last week's study was from Exodus 14.  Israel has walked out of Egypt and are approaching the Red Sea.  They see that the Egyptians are coming over the hills and are feeling trapped as they camp in the valley.  The Israelites are afraid and stop to cry out to God about their incredibly desperate situation.  I laughed when I heard God's response.  I was surprised at how relevant it was to me right now.

"Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving!" Exodus 14:15 NLT

Lately, I've heard a lot about uncertainty in future plans.  Uncertainty is true for all of us on some level, but some more so than others.  For me, I'm coming up on a time where my social support is about to be rocked because dear people in my life being faithful to calls in many and various places that are not near me.  To that, I say, "Wait, Lord.  I'm not ready yet.  Put something else in place for me before they leave.  Write up a couple of proposals for Your plans of how you will provide for me, so I can be at ease.  Don't change anything until I have it figured out and know it's going to be okay."

I find myself insistent on waiting when I am out of control.  If I don't know how something will work out, I don't want to jump in until I do know.  I heard this same sentiment from a friend about a job issue, another about a relationship situation, and still another about financial plans.  We want to know the outcome before we take a step.  God is asking something different of us.

Israel was crying out to God.  Can you imagine?  There's no where for you to go and the enemy is on your heels.  I would be the first to say that we need to stop and figure out what God is doing before we do anything else.  It's then that God simply says, "I already told you what to do and that I am leading you to the Promised Land.  Keep walking.  Trust me and keep walking."  God asks something different of us because He knows the great provision He's laid before us.

It makes me think of one of our craziest nights in Ghana.  We got to our hotel late in the evening.  It was at the end of a dark and winding road.  Branches of the rain forest scraped along the bus windows as we drove.  All of a sudden we stopped moving and the only sound on the bus was that of tires spinning in thick mud.  We were a very large bus stuck in a very large mud pit with no dry ground to allow us to passage.  Soon after, they had everyone get off the bus and walk the rest of the way of the dark road to our hotel, but the bus still had to get through and somehow it did.  The next morning, we loaded our luggage on the bus and walked down the same muddy road in the daylight this time.  On our walk back, we could see the wooden planks that some men had laid down to create dry ground for the bus to get traction on.

I thought back to the night before.  Our driver didn't know what the next bit of ground would have in store, but just in front of him there was dry ground to move forward on.  Life beyond the plank of wood was unknown, but he drove on in trust that the bus would make it.  In the daylight, we could see the planks and how they led to dry ground.  We could see the path that had been prepared for the bus to follow, but on the way there it was uncertain.

We can always see it walking back down memory lane.  We can see how God prepared the way for us and what He was doing all along, but while we're walking on our journey, we can only see the next plank in front of us.  He's asking us to keep walking.  Don't wait until you're in control, but walk in faith.  Believe that God is our Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides.  Take steps knowing that God made dry ground for Israel and He will for you, too.  Do what He says.  Keep moving.

be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord.

Well folks, I'm back in the good 'ol US of A. It's taken me a bit to get back into the swing of life here. This process has not been helped by the fact that I came back with a pretty good cold and sore throat and my system is taking its dear, sweet time readjusting to being back state side. Part of my "catch up" process the last couple of days has been working through a text for a chapel message next week. Psalm 27. It's a doozey.

The first 6 verses are David proclaiming the strength and goodness of God. He is our light, our salvation, our fortress. We don't have to fear even when we are surrounded. He will keep us safe, hide us in His shelter, and set us high upon a rock. David is spitting truth about the promises of God. It makes you wonder about the next 6 or 7 verses.

After David has made such a strong and confident confession about the goodness of God for us, he lets us in on the struggle. He asks God to hear him. He takes up seeking God in prayer about what troubles him. He pleads for God to not leave him or hand him over to his enemies.

In the last two verses, David wraps up with this:
"I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD. "

In his seeking and pleading with God, he still clings to the promises he professed in the first 6 verses. He trusts that the promises will come to pass for him and so he continues to seek and wait. Wow.

***

A pastor from the states was down in Nicaragua with a team while we were there. He led a devotion one day about several things, but two of the key concepts was abiding and abounding. Abiding in God's Word and in prayer, so that we can abound in service and ministry for Him. Another woman challenged us with unplugging and taking time to listen to God's leading.

I was thinking on this for the rest of the trip. It seems like so much of my life at the moment is open-ended. I'm wondering what do to about this or that, wondering where God is leading me next, needing peace over any number of issues. Even still, I do not seek His Word or make time to wait on Him in prayer.

Honestly, coming home from Nicaragua sent me into a mental tailspin. I was completely bombarded with thoughts of serving in overseas ministry, being torn between supporting ministry in Latin America or Western Africa, my heart for orphans, my heart for leading worship, my fear of being sent out alone. Such turmoil! Even after hearing such a great message from the pastor while in Nica, I was still stirring so greatly.

Spending time in Psalm 27 brought me back to ground level. Verse 8 in the NLT puts it like this:
"My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.'
And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'"

Once again, I hear God saying, "Shelly, calm down. If you're worried about this, come talk to me about it. Seek me. Be confident in my goodness. Wait patiently for me."

So I'm taking time to wait on the Lord. But to be perfectly honest, I don't know how long this will last. I tend to fall to the same things over and over, especially when it comes to thinking I can do things on my own. But Psalm 27 says our call is to seek Him, trust in His goodness, and wait for it patiently.

I don't know what God has in store for me, but I'm committing to seeking Him in it and waiting for Him to reveal what He has in store. I know it will be great.