snow, reflection, and a Nicaraguan new year.

I’m not a big New Year’s celebrator, per say, but I appreciate the “new” part of it.  It’s been a built in part of my yearly rhythm to end the year in some reflection.  “What happened this year?” “Where did I grow?”  Where did I struggle?”  “What did I accomplish?”  “What do I need to focus or refocus on?”

I’m a firm believer that only when experience is combined with honest reflection, is it the best teacher.  We can experience much without learning much if the time and space to reflect and learn is forsaken.

I missed that this year.  I was in Nicaragua for the last day of 2014 and celebrated “Año Nuevo” in a whole different culture.  The celebration included lots of fireworks and the burning of 2014 scarecrow dolls that marked the passing of the old year.  However, because the trip went well into 2015, shortly followed by the start of the spring semester, and some work travel mixed in, I only recently realized that I missed my new year reflection and refocus.

I’ve loved being back in Minnesota this winter.  Sometimes the cold literally makes me cry, but the snow is so entrancing and magical.  I walk to work each morning and the journey takes me across a small park.  My adventurous side likes off-roading a little bit through the deeper snow, where a path hasn’t been cleared and tracks have not yet tattled on the recent passers through.

The second day after a good snow, I started out in my walk to work, thinking about my overlooked new year.  I was once again captured by the snow, but this time it wasn’t the sparkle or the purity that grabbed me.  It was the tracks; my footprints from the day before.  The snowy tracks taught me that morning about how a life of health and growth demands reflection.

We can walk the same path day after day, year after year, with little mind to where, why, and how we walk.  We can bid the past “good riddance” and burn last year’s scarecrow, but without intention, how can we be sure that this year’s scarecrow won’t be a carbon copy of the last?  As I walked that morning, seeing yesterday’s steps, I remembered the places where my boot sank a bit too deep and my sock was surprised by a puff of wet flakes.  To my amusement, I observed that my steps didn’t go in the most direct path, but wandered a few feet this way and that.  In the snow, yesterday’s journey was recorded and it presented me with a choice.  “Will you go the same way and simply follow the tracks in front of you?  Or will you read the tracks, learn, and do something different?”

That’s the richness of the new year, new month, new week, or new day to me.  This is the value of reflection and the health of being intentional with the time we’ve been given.  Will I step in deep again?  Will I forge a completely new path?  If I simply keep doing the same things, I cannot expect something different to occur.  If I don’t make intentional changes in my spiritual practices, growth will not be seen.  If I don’t challenge myself relationally and emotionally, 2015 will end up looking regrettably familiar.

This year, for me, it’s about walking generally the same path, but doing so with intention; more than just "getting to work each day."  This year it's continuing to include the best parts of the walk, but cutting out steps that lack purpose, trying a couple of variations in the route, and learning from danger spots.  Life is too short to walk unquestioningly in the tracks of yesterday.  I observe the prints of others and they inspire me to sojourn better.  One different step can begin to alter the whole journey.  It doesn’t take a new year to take a new step.  It does take honesty, courage, and grace, though, to ask “are my steps being transformed as my mind is renewed?”

Today, I wrestle with the fear of failure.  “What if the new steps I take this year are worse than the last?” Oh, well.  At least I tried something and will inevitably learn something new from that experience.  And then I say back to my cautious, skeptical self: “But what if it’s way better?”  Life is too short not to be better if it can be.

So I put on my boots and take a deep breath through the scarf around my face.  And with goals in my hand and heart, I take a new step into the snow.

Intentional.

I recently did a mental inventory of the people I most look up to, respect, and want to be like when I grow up.  Among the qualities of being great encouragers, faithful missionaries, loving parents and spouses, truth speakers, adventurers, secure in their own skin, self-aware, and super funny, the common trait I noticed was “intentional.”

What does that mean? 

I have a couple of friends who spent the last several months organizing a trip for a bunch of us to camp at a weekend music festival outside of Seattle.  They went to great lengths to create space for friends to connect, have an adventure, and listen to some great music.  Another couple of friends who live out of state sent me flowers and cookies on my birthday to let me know I was remembered and loved, even from afar.  For another birthday, a friend planned an entire day of thoughtful adventures and activities that we could enjoy together.  A couple of weeks ago, people traveled from near and far and changed around work schedules to attend my installation service.  Nothing could’ve been more affirming to me than people intentionally choosing to be part of my life, and even better, inviting me into theirs.  I think especially for a single person, who doesn’t yet have a spouse that has chosen her or him every day for life, it can be among the most valuable gifts in the world to know that someone has gone out of their way to choose you.

Intentional people do things—do life—with a purpose, on purpose.  The relationships I have with people who are intentional about choosing me are the most encouraging and flourishing and I am so grateful.

I think of Jesus.  He was so incredibly intentional.  He knew why he was on earth.  To speak good news, to set captives free, to heal the sick, to be one with the Father, to live perfectly, and to redeem the world.  He did it all so beautifully.  He made time for people.  He also made time for rest and prayer.  He kept the point, the point.  He spoke truth and showed great love.  Intentional didn’t seem calculated or with ulterior motive, but simply purposeful in being grace and truth.

In my not so distant past, I found myself in a less than thriving season where I was in survival mode.  The only goal I had was getting through the day.  Even though insight and encouragement from a counselor gave me new tools and perspective, I couldn’t shake the funk.  I couldn’t see beyond the dark cloud I was under.  Complaints ruled my thoughts and conversations.  I replayed days and conversations in my head and knew I didn’t like who I had become or how I felt, but wasn’t sure I knew how to do anything else.  Through some encouragement of Shauna Niequist’s book, “Bittersweet,” I was challenged to find gratitude.  So I made a choice.  One small decision to find one thing at the end of each day that I was grateful for, write it down, and put it in a jar on my nightstand.  It was a very small thing.  To be honest, those first few days, I resented the exercise and told myself I didn’t have the energy for it, but I did it anyway.  After awhile, I found myself writing a whole list each night.  I’ve watched this one small decision I made one day turn into a progression that has altered my attitude and heart.  One small choice to be intentional added some sense of stability to my world and set me on a path of increased health and joy.

When we live without some sort of intention, we can easily wind up in a place we never wanted to be without even realizing we were heading there.  Even if it’s making one choice per day to be intentional, that can be the choice that takes life in a new direction.  And not just any direction, but one that you have decided is beneficial and where you want to go.

There can’t be too many intentions at once, otherwise we set ourselves up to fail and be overwhelmed, but I’ve come up with a few for this season of my journey of living life to the full as a Jesus follower.

1.)    To be an awesome friend and family member.

I am an auntie, a godmama, a sister, a daughter, and a friend to folks in a variety of ages and stages.  More than most anything in life, I want to kick butt at being those.  I want to be present for important days and times.  Because many are far away, I want to make a point to reach out from a distance when I can’t be present.  I want to follow up on what loved ones share with me.  I want to remember them in prayer and celebrate the gift of those God has placed in my story.  I want to be intentional about making it a priority to have time with them.  I want to be intentional in how I affirm our relationships and who God made them to be with my words and actions.  I want to risk my cool points and relational control to ensure that my family and friends know I love them, see Jesus at work through them, and that I have their back.  The relationships that I feel most validated by are the ones who have been intentional in valuing me.  I love being chosen, especially by a perfect, loving Heavenly Father.  I want to give my people a glimpse of that promise of God’s choosing, by letting them know I choose them.

2.)    To be an encourager.
I have high expectations.  I can be a critic and even cynical at times.  I believe, though, that God has called me in my roles with work, church, family, and friends, to be an intentional encourager.  Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”  Paul talks multiple times in his letters about the importance of encouragement.  We, simply by speaking life and truth to each other, give each other courage to face whatever it is coming our way.  We have the power to strengthen and empower others with choosing to speak words that build up and not tear down.  In a world where sarcasm is celebrated all too often, I want to be an encourager who is intentional about her words and that they be used to affirm and encourage.

3.)    To write.
It’s been set aside for far too long.  I’ve wanted to write, but haven’t made it a priority.  It’s one of my “hobby activities” that has taken a back seat to a summer of transition, travel, and "too much going on".  But it’s time to be intentional.  Writing allows me to discover how God has placed blessings and love throughout my story, much like a child finds Easter eggs that have been carefully placed for their finding.  Hobbies are important—they add health and balance to life that can easily be consumed by career and activity.  More and more, I believe that some of our greatest vocation points are found in our hobbies—they space we have to do what we love with freedom and allow for our God-given gifts to produce something free from pressure or for compensation.  I think some of the most powerful movements, beautiful works of art, and dynamic communities have begun that way.  It’s time to be intentional – acknowledge this is something I want to be good at, a gift I want to steward well, and do it.  That and I have a “before I’m 30” bucket list item to achieve. ;-)

I always hated goals because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t reach them.  The pressure that accompanied them would weigh me down and sometimes even leave me paralyzed.  Now I’ve realized being intentional isn’t about arriving.  It’s simply taking one step in the right direction and celebrating the progress found in the journey.  I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m not where I was before.  Or as Paul said in Philippians 3:12, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.”  One thing is for sure, when you’re intentional about something, even if you miss the mark, you’re going to be much closer to the bulls eye than if you didn’t aim to hit it.

For the sake of your vocations and obligations, those you interact with, and your own wellbeing, I challenge you to make one intentional choice today.  Choose where you want to go and do it on purpose.

one sure step: how a marathon begins.

When I go hiking with people who are new to it, I often say to them, "every step a sure step."  Meaning take your time, get your foot set in a good place, and then take the next step in the same way. It prevents many unnecessary falls, hurts, and backsliding.  It ensures healthy, solid forward motion, one step at a time.

This sentiment has been echoing throughout blogs and books I've read, Bible studies I've attended, and guidance I've sought out in the past week.  I'm beginning to get a clear picture of my newest goal--simply taking one intentional step.

I'm a big change kind of gal.  I want to do something major.  Funky colors in my hair.  Write an album's worth of songs.  Make banners for every week of Lent and each Holy Week service (but seriously..what was I thinking?).  Become an expert at all that I scratch on the surface.  When asked how I can work on myself, I give a list of 10 things I'm starting immediately.  This is me.   I won't always jump, but when I do, I run, leap, twist in the air, and cannonball into whatever it is, expecting to make the tidal wave splash.

I want to win the marathon as soon as I cross the starting line.  I struggle with the single steps.

If you're anything like me, you can get hung up on the fact that life isn't perfect.  When things are hard, out of sync, or even feel broken for me, I follow one of two tendencies (usually one, then the other).

1.) I wallow thinking all is lost.

"This thing sucks.  He hurt me.  She is so difficult to deal with.  This isn't working.  I'm not where I want to be.  I don't know what to do."  Sound familiar?  Maybe it's just me.  I struggle to turn off the reruns of my life's worst clips.  I have to put up mental stop signs and not allow myself to go there anymore.  I have to ask God to show me all the blessings He's given me and to fill me with gratitude.  Choosing not to wallow is difficult sometimes, but choosing to continuing wallowing is, by no means, what Jesus had in mind for our "life to the full."

2.) Scrap it all and start over!

Then, I pendulum swing.  I make some bold proclamation followed by a bold step.  Usually it doesn't last for too long, but actually, usually shifts me just enough to accomplish jarring me out of my wallowing funk.  I try to be super intentional and make a big change, but that's the problem.  Gym memberships go half used.  Books are left read a quarter of the way through.  Healthy food spoils.  The scope has been way too broad for me to be successful.  I wind up feeling frustrated with a diminished sense of self-efficacy.  "Welp...guess I can't fix it, so I'll just ignore it or go back to being bummed about it."

But God is teaching me about small steps.  Well, even a singular "step."  One step taken with purpose.  One step to grow in my relationship with the Lord.  Then one change to be more healthy.  Then one action toward better boundaries.  Then one step to grow in community.  Being intentional one step at a time not only keeps us from ending up somewhere we didn't want to be without us realizing it, but it takes us somewhere better than where we are.  Bit by bit.  Because small steps are sure steps, that encourage forward motion without fear of backsliding or failure.  Not many have energy to overhaul their life every time something feels off.  Small steps are manageable and grace filled.  We can win at them and victory spurs us on to take another.

I adore St. Francis of Assisi who said this: "Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

That resonates with my "go big or go home" attitude. :-)  That's the power of taking a hike full of sure steps.  Asking God to shape us one small adjustment at a time, takes us to a totally different world that we never thought we could actually reach.

Small steps have revitalized me and given me hope to believe I can make positive change in my story.  To feel more focused, more healthy, more free with each drop of my heel is invigorating.  I know I will require much grace for this less than expedited process, but I trust and believe that everything God grows takes time.  Growth is slow, but somehow so riveting.  Even though you never see the exact moments of movement, growth is measured over time and the beauty that unfolds is well worth the wait.

I know that I'm just starting the marathon of intentional steps I want to take in my story, but I'm learning that I can't finish a marathon without taking that first sure step.

what i'm taking from 2012.

It's that time of year again.  Time to remember the old and usher in the new.

It's been my custom to do a year in review sort of thing, but this year, I decided to do something a little different.  Instead of events, here are the learnings of 2012.  After all, I would argue that what we take away from an experience is often far more important than the actual experience itself.  Much of life's circumstances are out of our control, but we can always choose to learn, grow, and be better from whatever happens.  So here is what I'm taking from 2012.

1.  Change is so hard.  And life is full of it.

I look back on this year as one of the most transition filled in my whole life.  However, I look back on it and say, "I did that.  I'm okay.  I made it.  I was brave.  I had an adventure."  No regrets about taking leaps, only hope and excitement for what's ahead.

2. Life is full of disappointments.  Things often don't turn out how we imagine they would.  You must learn to grip the rope of life loosely, so when it gets pulled out from you, your hands don't get burned.  Jesus is the only thing that will not burn you.  There is brokenness in the world and that's not God's fault, but we have a God who loves being creative.  So creative, in fact, that He makes beautiful things out of the dust. Even out of the chaos, He makes beautiful things.  Colossians tells us not to be surprised when difficult things happen to us.  It's part of the fallen world and us being people marked in Christ.  We have a hope, though, that He works all things for the good of those who love Him.  A promise like that makes brokenness worth enduring.

3.  Life is so beautiful.  Don't allow experiences or circumstances to make you bitter or fearful.  It's a battle.  Sometimes, I want to hide under a table and let the world go by for fear of what awaits me next.  Sometimes, I want to ignore everyone and be jaded about all that is wrong in the world and its residents.  There are days where I could stay in that place, but I'm reminded of this:

"I have come that you may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

Captivity to fear and captivity to bitterness is nothing resembling fullness.  We have to be careful that the lessons we learn from bad experiences in the past, don't keep us from taking a risk on great experiences later.  For me, it's recognizing when my heart is going there and taking steps to be free.  I'm excited for some life to the full in 2013.

4.  Take a risk.  You only have limited opportunities to do so.  If something falls through, you tried, you learn.  One of my favorite quotes this year was from Helen Keller.  "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

5.  Jesus is faithful.  Wow...I can't say that enough.  The lyric from the hymn "Abide with Me" has been a word of strength this year. "Change and decay in all around I see, oh, Thou who changest not, abide with me."  He has provided in ways I can't comprehend.  Through so many trials, He has prepared me and rescued me.  He has spoken words of truth from His Word and through others.  He has allowed me to be broken and loved me into wholeness.  He's given me opportunities I couldn't have dreamed of.  I would not have weathered this year (or any other for that matter) with out the wonderful grace of God in Christ.  Your plans are still to prosper.  You are Sovereign over us.

6.  People are worth it.  I've said a lot of hard goodbyes and see ya laters in 2012.  I've spent a lot of time and money in the last year (and will continue to do so this year) to travel to be with friends and family who are far away.  I'm rarely disappointed by that choice.  Stuff, gadgets, whatever...they aren't nearly as valuable and fulfilling as people.  Spending time and money to see people is always worth it.  I'm grateful for getting to see my godson be baptized, my nephew as a new baby, friends here visiting me from all over, time at the Sem, last minute adventures before moving, those moments and connections are precious.  Don't take time with people you love for granted.  True friendship is not all lost.

7.  Which leads me to..don't do this thing alone.  The best times are better and the worst times aren't so bad when you've got someone in it with you.  You can't do it alone and you're not supposed to.  Let people in.  Be messy.  Be real.  Be loved.  Invite someone along for the ride in 2013.

8.  "Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well."  Seeking God's Kingdom and His righteousness not an easy request.  It puts aside our kingdoms and our own self-righteousness and calls us to something bigger.  Being part of kingdom growth in Nicaragua, Concordia, and Arizona in 2012 has been a labor of love. Often challenging, but where my heart is filled.  If we're not doing something in order that God may be glorified and more people come to know Jesus, then what are we doing it for?  If it is for ourselves, we need to stop and repent immediately.  And His righteousness.  We have been given a task that we cannot complete, but in Christ we are given robes of righteousness.  We are called to walk in the light and allow God's Word to be sharper than any double-edged sword against any sin in our hearts.

    Then, we don't do this so that we get things added unto us, but seeking Jesus is the goal!  All else goes strangely dim and pails in comparison.  It's a resolution for each new year, that we would seek you, Jesus, more than we have before. 

9.  Joy is both a gift and a choice.  God gave us joy in Jesus when we couldn't choose joy on our own.  We are gifted with joy from our Heavenly Father in nearly every moment we breathe.  But when things are challenging, our hearts our breaking, the world seems dark, we can choose to see joy.  So many things are beyond our control and yet, the promise of life to the full remains.  Scripture talks about having joy in the presence of God.  Since Jesus is Emmanuel, a very present God, we are given joy.  Joy that the enemy can't touch nor take nor damage nor shake.  It is hidden with Christ in God.

10.  I'm way stronger than I thought. :-)  I've came through a lot this year with starting a new life in a new place.  I know it wasn't in my strength that I did it.  God can bring you through so much more than you thought you could handle.  But yeah, I'm kind of proud of that.

11.  And way weaker than I thought. :-S  None of us are untouchable or unstoppable.  We all have weaknesses, breaking points, and vulnerabilities.  This is why I can't do this thing alone.  This is why I need rest.  This is why I desperately need Jesus.

12.  Hope.  It's the word of the year.  "Ponder anew what the Almighty can do."

May your 2013 be full of reminders that you are desperately loved by Jesus.  Here's to a new year.

"stop telling me what I can't do with you."

It’s still a little surreal, but I’m here.  The first wave of reality hit about half way through the road trip.  I’m actually doing this. 

At the risk of completely blowing my confident cover as a single 20-something doing her thang, I’m going to level with you.  As utterly excited as I am for this move and new job, I get freaked out sometimes.  I let my thoughts get away from me and the enemy attacks with accusing questions.  Am I going to be any good at this?  Will I thrive here?  Will I be liked?  Will this be where I’ll stay forever?  What about buying a house?  What if I don’t make friends?  What if I stop growing?

What if I can’t do it?

Fears and doubts.  I don’t like them at all.  It’s a struggle I’ve seen surface in the past few months.  I’m sure it’s been there most of my life, but only recently have been able to see it for what it is.  It’s not all the time, but occasionally I’ll catch my mind jumping aboard this train of cyclical fear-filled thought.  I’ll act and realize that I’ve just made a decision out of fear.

Fear isn’t from God except if it’s for God.  It’s sinful—pulling circumstances from God’s capable hands and letting them overflow through our trembling fingers.  I want to stop making decisions out of fear.  Fear isn’t freedom.  Taking a big step despite fear is freedom, though.  A few months ago, I really felt God saying to me, “Stop telling me what I can’t do with you.”  I agreed with God.  I have been doing that for a long time in many areas of my life and I want to be done with it.  I’m excited to see what You’ll do, Lord.  You like using the improbable and scary.  Thank you, God, for helping me get to this place. 

Overcoming fear means trusting in the goodness and promises of God—for your life, for your eternity, for your family, your job, your future, your relationships, your well-being, for everything.  It’s trusting that God is so very faithful.  It’s trusting He brought me here for His holy purposes that He’s going to accomplish.  It’s trusting that He loves His people and His Church.  It’s trusting that He loves me.  Because of all these promises I know to be true, it’s going to be okay.  Better than okay. 

I read a quote today that went something like this:
“Memorizing God’s promises could be the difference between winning and losing the battles of your day.”

Philippians 4:6 has been my favorite as of late.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7

I cling to these promises, keep breathing, and take one thing at a time.  It’s the enemy’s trick to make the storm look bigger and our God look smaller.  For me, too many thoughts easily turn into a mind tornado, but one at a time is a lovely breeze at my back that pushes me to steadily move forward.

Lord, today I’m choosing Your promises over my fears.  You know better and will be glorified and further Your Kingdom with Your plans.  I want to be part of that.  I need You’re help to trust, but I know You’re able to bring me peace and strength just as much as You are able to deal with all that surrounds me.  Help me to trust You’ll never leave me and that You can use me, even when I fear.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

eleven learnings from '11.

Well, as unbelievable as it seems, we’re wrapping up another year!  2011 has come and gone.  I’m one for reflection (as you probably know) and it’s always fun to see how the past year has been spent and to see what growth God has made within me in the previous 12 months.  So here’s 11 of my biggest meantime learnings from 2011.

11.  In the Meantime.  This year has been great!  I’ve been in 3 other countries, hosted parties, wrote articles, been to concerts, had precious visits and time with friends and family, coached great kids, mentored college students, learned tons about being a worship/spiritual leader, learned a new instrument (harmonica), ran a 5K, lived in community, lived in freedom probably more than any other time in my life, let God into my dark places to bring light, let people walk with me, and had a lot of stinking fun!  It's been a year of living up the meantime!  Here’s to the best year yet in 2012!

10.  Gifts.  Understanding that God has given us all gifts--some that we are proud of, some that we could just die if anyone knew about them.  He has made us all creative and wants to use that creativity for His kingdom.  I’m learning that it’s the enemies’ favorite tool to squash our creativity.  He wants us to feel stupid or that our creativity is worthless or a waste of time.  If he convinces me or you of this, he is victorious in keeping us from inspiring and leading others with God’s Word by using our gifts.  This has been a huge struggle of mine this year--with worship leading, with speaking, with writing words and writing music.  My creativity has been stomped on and I’ve allowed the enemy to embarrass me out of being creative.  In doing so, I've denied the gift I've been given and haven't allowed God to use it for what He would.  In 2012, Lord, give me boldness to use my gifts for the things that You have prepared.

9.  Stay and be content.  I’m a goer and a doer.  God is asking me to stay.  This has been new for me.  2011 had some antsy times.  God has given peace about staying.  Staying is hard because it means investing in people and persevering through the junk, the difficult times, and routine.  God asks for obedience.  God, may I be willing to go or stay as You choose in 2012.

8.  “Be okay with mystery.” –Derek Webb.  This is one of the best ways to describe my time in Nicaragua and I’m excited to get back there.  The way people prayed there and trusted in God to provide was truly inspiring. I was floored at how God powerfully answered prayer and when talking it through with students, I had no way to describe how it worked.  We can’t know.  It’s mystery.  It’s prayer.  It’s grace.  It’s God’s love and provision for us in Christ being way bigger than we could ever fathom.  While in Israel/Palestine, President Holst often said, “we’re playing the game without knowing the rules.”  This is prayer.  This is faith.  God asks us to be in relationship and communication with Him.  I have not a clue how that works.  I just know He is faithful and good.  So I play the game that I don’t know the rules to.  It’s embracing the mystery and raising up things we can’t understand as another reason to praise God, for He is beyond our understanding.

7.  TOWDAH – I wrote about this over the summer, but it’s one of the Hebrew words for praise.  It’s all about praising God for what is to come.  This is one of the coolest things I’ve learned this year.  Gratitude is huge--to be grateful for what God has done yesterday, today, and what He will do.  There’s no need to wish away the present for what may come in the future.  God will handle the future and it will be great because that’s who He is.

6.  Simplicity.  This is something I’m sure I’ll be writing more about in 2012, but simplicity has been a recent interest of mine.  In possessions, schedule, words, food, everything.  I’m reading the book:

I desire to be of simple heart—that the only thing my heart would long for is Christ and His will.  There are lots of things I desire that I don’t need.  There are lots of things I do in order to manage how others see me instead of putting that energy into my relationship with God and how He sees me.  It’s tough, but rich.  In 2012, it’s my prayer that things are draw my heart from Christ are revealed and removed.

5.  Relaxing and Control.  I had goals for this year that weren’t met.  I have a roommate that challenges me to rest and take a break, that the dishes can wait, and things don’t have to be perfect.   I have not achieved this, but am making strides to let things go.  It’s okay to fail.  It’s okay to let go of expectation and realize that life and people aren’t perfect.  We are a beautifully broken mess that God chooses to deal with.  The sooner we realize that, learn to make room for others faults, and ask for forgiveness, the better.  That’s real.  Managing how others think of us by trying to appear perfect leaves us false, empty, and isolated.  Lord, break us from our desire to manage others’ opinions of us and in doing so, lose sight of Your grace amidst our brokenness.

4.  Saying goodbyes.  This has been a year of saying goodbye and watching lots of friends and loved ones move out of my immediate, everyday world.  It’s been deeply difficult.  It continues into 2012.  God continues to remind me that He will never leave or forsake and that He provides where gaps need to be filled.  Wow.  I’ve been so amazed by that.  And at the same time, blessing me with people in my story to acknowledge that struggle and hurt and encourage me to be honest in grieving that loss.  I’ve seen the importance in that this year.  Where before I’d put on a tough face, once again, I’m seeing that this isn’t being vulnerable or letting others help, serve, or love me.

3.  Palestine and Israel.  Seeing these places has changed my perspective forever.  I loved the ordinary-ness of it all.  Jesus is a regular guy who walked around in a regular place and is also God.  Seeing the hugeness of Him and what He’s done for His people throughout generations opened my eyes to how big He still is for us today.  Oh, that we wouldn’t miss Him.

2.  Relationships & Surrender of Independence.  This has been a giant learning this year.  God knows I’ve been independent since birth.  It’s been something I thought was such a strength, but He has shown me how it’s made me push people away in order to be in control or not appear weak.  That’s not real relationship.  Relationship is letting people in to see your hurts and weaknesses.  It’s letting people help you.  It’s admitting when you’re lonely.  It’s inconveniencing yourself to invite someone into your story.  I have lots of amazing people in my story that God has continued to gift me with.  I am so grateful to not be walking alone in this thing called life.  Community.  It’s how we were made.  I’m learning this.  I’m excited to see how God uses this lesson in 2012.

1.  God simply drawing me nearer and nearer to Himself (catalyst: Pure Worship Institute, June 2011).  Being in His Word regularly, trusting Him in prayer and relationship.  As I grow more in relationship with Him, He pushes me to grow in relationship and vulnerability with others.  Overall, really tough and amazing growth.  We are a process.  The process continues in 2012.

As I think about goals and what’s to come in 2012, I want to quote a post on my 25^th birthday this year:

However, I constantly must remind myself that my goals and the points on my lists aren't always on God's list of goals and plans for my life.  Our agendas don't always line up.   … The path that we plan to take is not always the one God leads us down or if it is, it's usually not what we think it'll be.

We don't know the plans.  When we get so set on our own plans for our story and find out that they don't come to pass, it can be easy to get discouraged and disappointed. … Be gracious in your reflection.  Embrace your journey.  Realize that wherever you are in that journey that God has filled your life with stories.  They may not have been the stories I would've chosen, but it'd be lame if they all were.  Every once in awhile you watch a movie knowing how it ends, but generally it's not desired to know the outcome. Life leaves an element of surprise that teaches us to trust and lean on one another.  I want adventure and that's unpredictable.

Even with boxes unchecked, there is always one thing on my list I can accomplish.  That's to bring joy.  To choose joy in the waiting.  In the adventure.  In the mishaps of adventure.  In the boring.  In the devastating.  In the seemingly hopeless and the utterly disappointing.  Choosing joy.  Bringing joy to others.  No matter the things to come or what has been, God is faithful.  God is providing.  God is unfolding.  He is untouchable and unchanged.  As long as the tomb is still empty, we have reason to be overflowing with joy.  If you are disappointed about failing to accomplish any goal, may it be that one.

So here's to [2012]--a year of joy and adventures both planned and unexpected, and to the grace I will rest in for the things that don't get accomplished.  Here's to lessons, stories, relationships, and choosing joy.

 

Happy New Year, everyone.

who are you...becoming?

Who am I?  Have you ever asked yourself this question?

When I talk to college students or chat with friends, the “who am I” question is one of the most common themes weaved throughout ongoing conversations.  In a stage of life where people are trying to figure out “what should I do,” “what should I study,” “what am I good at,” it all points to the question identity.  Who am I?

Can you relate?  Fill in your own details, but the story is common.  You show up to college as Jane Brown of Small Town, USA, where everyone in the county knows your name and what you’re about.  While you were the best of the best at home, college is filled with many who are just as good or better.   The classes you couldn’t wait to take are much harder than expected and you’re not sure you even like them.  Nothing is what you thought it would be.  You aren’t who you thought you’d be.  And that’s when the big question surfaces…”who am I?”

If this is you, let me just start by saying “Congratulations—you’ve arrived!”  I know it sounds scary, but let me welcome you to world of opportunities and options, questions and discovery, experience and growth.  It is exciting!  Asking the question, “who am I,” means you’re seeking to find the answer and that is a great place to be.  You are not lost.  Here are some pointers of where to begin.

1.     1. Start with what is true.  Let me encourage you with a little help from CSP’s theme of the year.  We are God’s People.  You are God’s creation and He calls you His child.  When you are uncertain of who you are, start there.  You are loved by God in Christ and that won’t change.

2.     2. Learn about you.  Take some time to get to know yourself.  What do you enjoy doing?  What brings you joy?  What are the activities or who are the people who bring you to life or refresh you?  What are the things or who are the people who drain you?  How much sleep do you need?  How many commitments can you handle?  How do you know when you’re stressed and how do you cope?  What are you tendencies in communicating or in relationships?  How do you react to certain people or situations?  It’s good to be self-aware and difficult to grow or improve without knowing where you are.

3.     3. Try new things!  Young adulthood is filled with tons of opportunities to take a leap outside of your comfort zone and explore something new!  Take an elective that you’ve been curious about.  Go on a service trip.  Try a new ethnic restaurant.  Go to a campus event by yourself with the intention of meeting new people.  Sit at a different dining hall table than normal.  Pick up a random hobby like harmonica or geocaching.  Find a place to volunteer in the Cities.  Who knows what you might have a knack for or take an interest in?  Who knows what sort of adventure you may have, who you may meet, or what you might learn about yourself along the way?

4.     4. Be in relationship.  That’s pretty self-explanatory.  Dating or otherwise, this is a huge part of life learning.  Don’t go through life alone—you weren’t made that way.

5.       5. Do some reflecting.  You are in a time of significant learning about the world, others, and yourself.  There are a lot of valuable lessons going by!  Make time to do some reflecting.  Reflect on who you’ve been and where you’ve come from.  It’s in reflecting that we are able to learn and make use of our experiences.  When we reflect, our experiences become our teachers and we are changed.

6.       6. Get some help.  As you go through this time of self-discovery and world discovery, you may run into some road blocks.  Past wounds or issues may surface.  You may not know what to do with what you’ve learned or you’ve learned something about yourself that you don’t like and can’t change.  Counseling is never a bad idea and it’s free for college students.  Use it!  Seek out a mentor—someone who can walk alongside you and encourage you as you grow.  When figuring out more about yourself, it’s good to have guidance and grounding from others.

7.      7. Relax.  You don’t have to figure out everything about you and you won’t.  You won’t have your whole future planned or know every step of your life.  The more I’ve engaged in some of these six things above, the more I’ve realized something.  Just as much as I am Shelly, I am becoming Shelly.  Life is a process and process is beautiful.  It is growth.  Paul said himself, that he hadn’t achieved the goal, but presses on toward it.  Romans 12 urges us to “be transformed by the renewing of [our minds].”  We are free in Christ as God’s children right now and we continue to be more free in who we are all of the time.  This is an amazing time of developing yourself both inside the classroom and out.  Don’t miss out!

I hope that throughout your life, you keep asking “who am I,” digging into what your career should be, or what gives you have.   In addition to finding your identity in Christ, I challenge you to keep asking yourself, “who am I becoming?”  Ask God for help and guidance.  What past steps you can celebrate and what are the things you can continue to work at?  Challenge yourself.  Expect to grow.  Make plans to be different.  Who are you becoming?

control: be still and know God is God.

The gym is loud with voices of junior high and high school girls.  The crack of hitting the ball and bounce of it on the floor.  One of our outside hitters jumps high and swings through, sending the ball to the floor on the other side of the next only steps in front of another player.  I hear my own voice join the noise, “GET LOW AND MOVE YOUR FEET!”


It's probably the 25^th time I've said that today.  I'm a jr. high/high school volleyball coach.  I cherish my time with these young girls as they learn how to play a sport that I love and how to become mature young women in this world.  Coaching has taught me lots of things.  Right now it is teaching me about control and how little of it I have over most things.


Ask any coach and they’ll tell you.  You put in tons of hours of practice every season.  You spend restless nights thinking of what you could’ve done differently to pull out the win.  You sacrifice time with family and friends for games and tournaments.  You put your heart into the game and into the team.  This is a coach’s world.  Every coach knows, though, that regardless of the time and effort put into the game by the coach, there is much that is out of their hands.  I can say “GET LOW” a hundred times during practice and it changes nothing unless the player decides to implement what they’ve been taught.  I can try different ways to teach the same skill, in hopes that some of my players will get the hang of it.  Some of them just don’t have the giftedness.  I can’t change that.  Some of them just don’t have the drive.  I can’t change that either.

Regardless of our efforts, there is much out of our control in this life.

Being a girl who loves to be in control, I am a slow learner of this.  God is working on me.  :-)

I teach my girls about this.  You get railed by a serve from another team.  You can’t control that.  Sometimes you can’t even control what you do.  It’s more important about how you react to what you can’t control.  You shake it off and get ready to play the next point.  “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 3:13-14)

My dad recently went in for a series of tests to see if his medical conditions have worsened.  There was a significant possibility that it had developed into something cancerous.  We were all completely helpless about this.  It was out of our control.  The news came back positive this week, but it made me realize that there was little we could do about the circumstances.  What we could control was our attitude and responses.  Be still and acknowledge that God is God. (Ps. 46)

A friend of mine just went through a difficult and unexpected break up.  Even in relationships where we feel at peace and secure, there is a lot of trust that is place in what we cannot control.  We cannot control the other person’s level of commitment to us, but we love trusting it is there.  Sometimes we get burned by things we cannot control.  We ask God for strength, pick ourselves up again, and learn once again that there is much out of our control.  Be still and know that God is God.

Today is September 11^th.  Ten years ago today, our country learned that we didn’t possess the amount of control that we thought we did.  Our own soil, which we were sure was under our control, was violated.  We have learned as a country, that nothing is certain or safe.  Be still and know that God is God.

This is all true.  There are tons of things, scary and not scary, that are out of our control.  It’s a fact of life.  One that I happen to really, really hate, by the way.  It’s good for us though.  We can’t be in control all of the time.  God is teaching me that.  He’s gently reminding me: “If you can be in control all of the time and have things go just your way, why would you need Me?”  Plus, there are a lot of things that I’ve been in control of and seen in retrospect of unglorifying they were and I worked to get what I wanted instead of what was good.  The thing is, sometimes we don’t even know what is good.  We need a God that is working for our good and working despite of us.  He is using the times we’ve trusted and been broken.  He’s using the times when we are helpless in a situation because someone else has to do the implementing.  This brings us back to Him in prayer.  It gives Jesus the throne seat and forces us to acknowledge that we are powerless, but He is oh, so able.  We can’t accomplish anything through our greatest efforts, but things change when we be still and let God be God. (Ps. 46)

There’s so much that we can do to affect change in our lives.  There is also so much out of our control.  I think about my own story—there is much more unknown coming up.  There are areas that I wish I could alter to make them look more like I’d want them to be--relationships, job, physical wellness, etc.  But knowing that even in the unknown or out of control, God doesn’t change.  His love for us doesn't change.  His promise to be our refuge doesn't change.  He says to us "have peace, be still, don't grip things so tightly and acknowledge that I is in control and God over all things."

We praise You, Lord, for being our closest advocate who is also God of the universe.  Thank You for being our King, our God, our Savior.  Thank You for Your providence and how You are weaving all things together for Your glory and our good.  We love You. Amen.

be gracious with yourself: lists, rock climbing, & being 25.

Well friends, here I am.  My 24th year has come and gone.  Tomorrow is pretty much the official ending to my summer as students return for training week.  Another summer here and gone.  It made me think about time and our expectations.

So for those of you who have looked at this thing a time or two, maybe you saw my summer adventure list.  Today I'm realizing, as reflect on this list I made for myself, how very ambitious I naturally am.  So much so, in fact, that I'm still not convinced I can't finish a few more of these things within the next few weeks.  Ambitious, I tell you!

I'm just over half for my list.  The Stonearch bridge was walked, I started the harmonica, did some water activities, hit up the farmer's market and outdoor concert fun, took a road trip, got red in my hair, tried a new food at Seasalt (that's a 2 for 1).  A few I didn't exactly accomplish, but close variations that I may choose to claim.  A few I still hold out hope for.

One thing that wasn't on my list was rock climbing.  A few friends and I went rock climbing last week.  We had fun.  I thought myself to be fairly experienced with climbing walls after a summer of it at my camp.  After 2 consecutive days of hard workouts previously to climbing, my body was very sore.  I was a little worried about that, but still pretty confident because I wasn't new to this activity.  Boy, did I stink.  I was not good.  I only made it to the top maybe 3 times.  I couldn't grip the holds.  My muscles were shaking and I gave up after awhile.  My friend who was new to climbing had little trouble scaling the walls.  Usually I'd spend a day or two moping about this or being bitter toward my friend for doing better than me.  Especially when it comes to physical challenges, I want to excel!  This failure was awesome.  I fought the bad feelings, stopped making excuses, accepted my limitations, and embraced the day as fun.  I didn't meet my expectations, but I tried, I learned, and had a good time with friends.

So I'm a person of reflection.  Maybe that's because a professor I had in college couldn't get enough of it, but I appreciate the opportunity to take life beyond just experiencing, but actually gleaning something.  So I spent some time reflecting on my summer.  And year 24 of my life.

There were beautiful times and difficult times found in each--some experiences being both beautiful and difficult simultaneously.  Each had its own set of expectations.

--I always want to make a year the best year ever.  I want to make an age worthwhile.  I feel pretty good about doing that with 24.  I've challenged myself personally and relationally.  I've taken huge strides in walking in community and exploring what it means to surrender independence.  I've worked through wounds (and still continue to do so).  I've experienced the joy and hardship of my first year of professional ministry.  I've taken journeys. :-)  Co-leading my first abroad trip and getting to experience the Holy Land, something that 24 will always be remembered by.

--This summer, I've processed through many difficult good-byes, learned how to rest on my own, began to learn how to embrace community with generosity and love, and learned that some of the best adventures or experience are ones you didn't plan on or even know you wanted.  Those rock.

Even so, with all of that, I felt a tug yesterday.  As birthday wishes rolled in, I heard lots of jokes about being closer to 30 and being asked what it feels like to be on the brink of a quarter-life crisis.  I take it all pretty lightly, but for a moment I wondered, "I'm 25.  What do I have to show for it?"  I laughed to myself.  Well...not really much of any possessions, which I'm pretty okay with,...not a diversified portfolio or kids or a boyfriend or a cool car or a master's degree or an album or even a pet.  I've been trying to climb this wall called life for 25 years and sometimes it feels like I haven't grabbed too many big holds.  It's easy to get discouraged by expectation.  Most of the time, I would argue, that they're not even our own expectations, but an expectation of comparison--an oh-so-dangerous measuring stick to live by.

Obviously, there's lots that an ambitious girl didn't get done with her summer.  It's a fact.  I've embraced my ambition.  I understand that some things have to be let go.  Lists and goals are beautiful things.  It keeps us intentional and focused.  We need some prize to keep our eye on.  However, I constantly must remind myself that the points on my goals and lists aren't always on God's list of goals and plans for my life.  Our agendas don't always line up.  I think I'm going to end up in Minnesota with another snowy spring break and He gives me the gift of a 10 days in Israel.  The path that we plan to take is not always the one God leads us down or if it is, it's usually not what we think it'll be.

We don't know the plans.  When we get so set on our own plans for our story and find out that they don't come to pass, it can be easy to get discouraged and disappointed.  The purpose for lists is to keep us going, not stop us with guilt and regret.

I refuse to be disappointed with the amount of checks on my summer adventure list (even though it'd be fun to get a couple more).  I refuse to be upset or bitter about things I haven't yet accomplished in my life.  God gave us freedom and grace.  It's not just for us to give away to others, but also to receive ourselves.  Be gracious in your reflection.  Embrace your journey.  Realize that wherever you are in that journey that God has filled your life with stories.  They may not have been the stories I would've chosen, but it'd be lame if they all were.  Every once in awhile you watch a movie knowing how it ends, but generally it's not desired to know the outcome. Life leaves an element of surprise that teaches us to trust and lean on one another.  I want adventure and that's unpredictable.

Even with boxes unchecked, there is always one thing on my list I can accomplish.  That's to bring joy.  To choose joy in the waiting.  In the adventure.  In the mishaps of adventure.  In the boring.  In the devastating.  In the seemingly hopeless and the utterly disappointing.  Choosing joy.  Bringing joy to others.  No matter the things to come or what has been, God is faithful.  God is providing.  God is unfolding.  He is untouchable and unchanged.  As long as the tomb is still empty, we have reason to be overflowing with joy.  If you are disappointed about failing to accomplish any goal, may it be that one.

So here's to 25--a year of joy and adventures both planned and unexpected, and to the grace I will rest in for the things that don't get accomplished.  Here's to lessons, stories, relationships, and choosing joy.

Grace and peace, friends.