perfect isn't real (PART 2): protecting an honest house.

So I received a lot of feedback from last’s week’s post “perfect isn't real: the foolish art of hiding your crazy.”

I must say that I am proud and a bit relieved to know that so many people I’m connected to are resonating and considering the same things of being authentic.  My friend, Lindsey, who has been a wonderful and lovely mutual sharer of crazy for a long time, asked a great question that I’ve been chewing on.

How do we go about being as honest as we can with strangers or others who aren't yet "safe”?

She went on to profoundly capture the struggle we find ourselves in:

Some of our crazy is only safe with those who won't turn that knowledge into a weapon...but if we never get to a place of feeling fully or at least mostly seen by others, then the devil's lies of "they don't really know you..." gain strength. 

Knowing my friend speaks great wisdom, I’ve continued to wrestle.  Not everyone has earned the right to know all of our stories.  The truth is our crazy is not safe with everyone we meet.  People who over share their life stories and wounds too quickly may not be guarding their heart as they should be. Scripture encourages us to guard our hearts, but also to not be a dish only clean on the outside.  So how are we honest, but not completely compromised?

I’ve spent a lot of time on the "closed off" side of this spectrum, to the point where it kept people from getting to know me.  The summer I worked at camp, a fellow counselor said to me in frustration, “you’re like Fort Knox..everybody knows there’s gold inside but nobody can get in.”  I don’t think I was being dishonest in that season, but just very guarded.

In effort to better connect with others and build relationships, I’ve dabbled on the “too open” side.  I’ve been so excited about building relationships, being affirming and pursuant, and letting people get to know me, while making them completely overwhelmed. 

There are people who didn’t protect my heart, my feelings, or my crazy and I got really hurt because of it.  There are others I was so distant from that they gave up trying to know me.

I admit that I’m still trying to figure this stuff out, especially as experiences continue to shape how much I swing back and forth on this social pendulum.  Awhile back, though, I was given an image that has helped me immensely to figure out how I’m honest and also protecting myself.

Picture yourself as a house.  Imagine away: the yard, the paint color.  How many rooms?  Is there a porch or a fence around the outside?  My house is a cozy small home with a grayish paint and white trim.  It has a big front window and a porch with white furniture.  A small white fence runs around the yard with grass and flowers.  What’s yours look like?  Can you picture it?  

Now, someone new is coming over.  Will you go out to meet them at the gate and chat with them across the fence?  Will you invite them to sit on the porch with a glass of iced tea?  Are they welcome to step inside to the foyer right away or even have a seat in the living room?

Some people are completely comfortable having new faces come right in and sit on their couch.  Some might want to meet on the porch a few times first.  You may decide to only chat over the fence with some.  Others may get to skip ahead to the foyer.  There may be months before anyone gets to see your kitchen and years before someone is invited into your room or your back closet full of the craziest crazy.  You know...the closet with the random junk you don’t know what do with.  It exists in our real homes and in our persons.  So here’s the deal.  This piece that gave me freedom and encouragement in all of this.

You get to decide.

You’re the one who gets to decide who is allowed in the yard, but not in the kitchen.  You get to decide how quickly someone gets to progress or not progress into your home.  You get to decide if someone is never allowed within the fence again.  You choose who stays in the yard and who is always welcome to sit on the couch.  You get to decide.

BUT...here’s the twist.  No matter the level you allow another into, let it be honest.  Don’t try to convince someone that the big mansion down the street is you.  Don't spend your life savings paying a gardener for a perfectly manicured front lawn and leaving your home inside in shambles.  When you invite people into your home, leave your Rock and Roll posters on the walls of your office.  Leave the encouragement you wrote to yourself on the bathroom mirrors.  If you're blaring N'Sync in the house, listen to it on the porch, too.  If someone is allowed all the way to the kitchen, offer them a Capri-Sun from your stash in the fridge.  Ask them to take off their shoes before entering an area that requires extra gentleness or leave their shoes on where there's broken glass or lost Legos in the carpet.  People who make it to your kitchen and don't like what they see, will either make themselves at home in the mess, roll up their sleeves and help you do the dishes, or find themselves uninvited.  That's how it works.  You need people in your kitchen, but not everyone in your kitchen.  People mocking, destroying, or stealing from your house get asked to leave.  People who take the time to love the process of being welcomed will cherish your house and join you in its protection and care.

Permit me to be so bold here for a moment with some real talk for my single friends.  Until that future spouse of yours has bought the keys to the whole house, the bedroom should stay locked.  It’s really tough to catch up on the bonding of the porch stage and regain the boundary of the living room, if someone has been given free reign of every part of the house.  Single or married, set that room aside for the most intimate relationship you will ever have—a place where no other relationship will go. Guard that room from any other relationship.  Be selective.  This is where your biggest crazy is shared and protected by someone else and you share and protect theirs.  This is not a room for just anyone.

So choose your safe and healthy pace for building depth in any relationship, but be authentic at every level that you invite someone to see.  And remember to be patient and gracious as the other person is doing the same with you.

Relationships of all kinds aren't about who hides their crazy the best, but who is managing it, protecting it, bettering it, and sharing it with trusted someones.  Because we all need that friend or two who will help us open the door to that scary back closet.

perfect isn't real: the foolish art of hiding your crazy.

I think I’ve always been pretty good at hiding my “crazy.”  I’m sure, like most people, I think I’m better at it than I actually am.  You know what I mean by your “crazy”…those parts of yourself that are less than becoming; your quirks, personality flaws, major turn offs even.  Despite your best efforts, I know you’re not perfect, because I know I’m not.  Some may not even know what theirs is, but everyone has their own set of crazy.

Our culture rewards people based on their ability to hide their crazy.  All you have to do is observe candidates running for office to witness this in action.  Slick suits, smooth rhetoric, a sweet smile, and charming, winsome words.  We run toward people who seem to say and do all of the right things…at least while people are watching.

They who have mastered hiding their crazy get the most (first) dates, followers, job offers, and birthday wishes on Facebook.  In a world of photoshop, tummy tucks and auto-tune, we begin to believe our goal is an unreal and unattainable something.  It breaks my heart.  

Sometimes I can’t help but think that so little has changed since Jesus walked the earth.  The religious teachers looked the part, spoke the law perfectly, followed every regulation, and were highly revered because of it.  No wonder John the Baptist didn’t make much of a splash with this crowd!  This unkempt, bug-eating, wilderness dude’s presence didn’t quite compel the masses into preparing for the Messiah.  The average folks didn’t have ears for someone who wasn’t bright and shiny on the outside.  The dude was out there.  Jesus pointed out to his disciples in Matthew 17 that an Elijah had come back to prepare for the Messiah.  It was John the Baptist and people didn’t recognize him in camel hair cloak.

I’ll admit, I can often struggle to see beyond the crazy of others.  1 Samuel 16:7 always gets me. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."   I am guilty of this.  I have been drawn to those who hide their crazy well and have lived most of my life wanting to fool others into thinking mine doesn’t exist.

As I’m maturing, I’m realizing the truth of 1 John 1.  “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”  I’m over mastering this “crazy hiding” art.  It makes me tired.  It makes me wonder if people would really love me if they knew my quirks and shortcomings.  I don’t want to blindside someone with “who I really am” and I don’t want to be blindsided by someone else.  I've never felt so loved as when I've been in a community that is totally aware of my crazy, I of theirs, and we walk together growing in faith and wholeness.  Community is most beautiful when messy.  When you can be you and know you are loved.  Crazy and all.  That's what Jesus is about.  Loving us in the midst of our crazy and asking us to be honest about it.

I’m learning that lesson--to be drawn to people who are honest, healthy and working toward health.  Healthy people know they have crazy and are working on it.  They are honest and self-aware; understanding that people may take or leave them because of their crazy, but refusing to live any other way.

So I will tell you, if you want to prove to me that you’re perfect, our friendship won’t go far.  I am leery of perfection.  It only makes me more nervous about the crazy that bubbles beneath the surface.  If bits of my crazy are showing and I feel cast down, our connection will also be limited.  I’m tired of trying for “perfect.”  I’m working on “better,” while resting in “honest.”  Take me or leave me... glasses and s'mores on my face and all.

So how do we navigate the road between hiding our crazy and scaring people off with our freak flag  (especially if you're someone who would like to find a spouse or some friends)?  Stay tuned for part 2…

people say dumb things.

People say dumb things.  It’s part of being a creature in this fallen world.  Fortunately, most creatures are incapable of speech, but for humans, our depravity sinks to a whole new level with the wide world of words.

We’ve all been there.  Those days where you wish your own words were on a string, so you could reel them back in just as quickly as you spewed them out.  And then there are those days, when you wish you could use the speech string to tie someone else’s mouth shut.  Thank God for His grace because it's true.  We’re compulsively prone to say things that are just plain dumb.

I was standing around after a gathering this past week, when I woman I hadn’t seen in a few years came up to me and gave me a hug as she squealed “welcome back!”  I smiled remembering that some people hadn’t seen me yet, since I’ve moved back here this past summer.  She leaned in close, “so did you go get married yet?”

I smile, with my eyes rolling in my head.  Really, lady?  “No, not yet…” I respond politely.  

With puppy dog eyes, she whispered, “oh honey..I am so sorry.”

I’m sorry I’m in this conversation.  Remember, Shelly, she’s just trying to be supportive.  I put on a happy face.

“Ya know..it’s really okay.  For right now, this is where the Lord has me and I’m grateful.  As much as I'm excited for a relationship, he’s blessed me with a great place to be in ministry and I know that He is using this time for His purposes.  I’m grateful.”  It was an honest answer.

“Good for you, honey.  That’s what you have to do!  You just stay strong!  And ya know what??  It’ll happen.  You’ll find someone.  Or…maybe you won’t.”

And off she went as she caught the next person she needed to speak with.

Well intentioned.  We all are the majority of the time.  I think we have to be careful of that.  Those well intentioned words that we mean to build others up can have the ability to leave them down trodden.  Proverbs 15:28 says, “the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.”  Our words are a tricky ship to navigate.  Ones that can get easily swept away and never go back to being  unspoken.

It is wise to pray for our words and the words of others.

One of my favorite orders of worship is Celtic Morning Prayer.  Part of the liturgy says this:
This day, be in the heart of each to whom I speak.  In the mouth of each who speaks to me.

It’s good to pray for our words and that God would guard the hearts of those we're speaking to when we do say dumb things.  Those of us with great opportunity to speak have great opportunity to tear down or to build up.  Pray that God uses your words and mine.  Pray also for the words of others spoken to you.  That those words spoken to you would be uplifting and truth-filled.  That they would speak life and healing.  That they would always point to hope in Jesus.

May we be so soaked in Jesus that we say fewer dumb things because we can't help but speak truth.  May we be so soaked in the truth that we don’t help the enemy's work by repeating to ourselves the dumb things that others say to us.

After all, people mean well.  We just say dumb things.

"stop telling me what I can't do with you."

It’s still a little surreal, but I’m here.  The first wave of reality hit about half way through the road trip.  I’m actually doing this. 

At the risk of completely blowing my confident cover as a single 20-something doing her thang, I’m going to level with you.  As utterly excited as I am for this move and new job, I get freaked out sometimes.  I let my thoughts get away from me and the enemy attacks with accusing questions.  Am I going to be any good at this?  Will I thrive here?  Will I be liked?  Will this be where I’ll stay forever?  What about buying a house?  What if I don’t make friends?  What if I stop growing?

What if I can’t do it?

Fears and doubts.  I don’t like them at all.  It’s a struggle I’ve seen surface in the past few months.  I’m sure it’s been there most of my life, but only recently have been able to see it for what it is.  It’s not all the time, but occasionally I’ll catch my mind jumping aboard this train of cyclical fear-filled thought.  I’ll act and realize that I’ve just made a decision out of fear.

Fear isn’t from God except if it’s for God.  It’s sinful—pulling circumstances from God’s capable hands and letting them overflow through our trembling fingers.  I want to stop making decisions out of fear.  Fear isn’t freedom.  Taking a big step despite fear is freedom, though.  A few months ago, I really felt God saying to me, “Stop telling me what I can’t do with you.”  I agreed with God.  I have been doing that for a long time in many areas of my life and I want to be done with it.  I’m excited to see what You’ll do, Lord.  You like using the improbable and scary.  Thank you, God, for helping me get to this place. 

Overcoming fear means trusting in the goodness and promises of God—for your life, for your eternity, for your family, your job, your future, your relationships, your well-being, for everything.  It’s trusting that God is so very faithful.  It’s trusting He brought me here for His holy purposes that He’s going to accomplish.  It’s trusting that He loves His people and His Church.  It’s trusting that He loves me.  Because of all these promises I know to be true, it’s going to be okay.  Better than okay. 

I read a quote today that went something like this:
“Memorizing God’s promises could be the difference between winning and losing the battles of your day.”

Philippians 4:6 has been my favorite as of late.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7

I cling to these promises, keep breathing, and take one thing at a time.  It’s the enemy’s trick to make the storm look bigger and our God look smaller.  For me, too many thoughts easily turn into a mind tornado, but one at a time is a lovely breeze at my back that pushes me to steadily move forward.

Lord, today I’m choosing Your promises over my fears.  You know better and will be glorified and further Your Kingdom with Your plans.  I want to be part of that.  I need You’re help to trust, but I know You’re able to bring me peace and strength just as much as You are able to deal with all that surrounds me.  Help me to trust You’ll never leave me and that You can use me, even when I fear.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

it’s not the alone, it’s the lonely.

I reconnected with my friend, Mary, for lunch a few days ago.  It was delightful.  She is a dear friend with a delightful personality, fun stories, and has depth of insight and faith.  It’d been awhile, so we caught one another up on our lives.  We shared the joys and the struggles of being two awesome, single women.   We paused for a moment and she said something profound.  “Ya know, I can handle being alone just fine.  It’s the lonely.  The lonely is what is difficult.”

She's so right.

There aren’t too many times that I get lonely.  I do fear it, though, now that I live on my own again.  It’s one of those lies that the enemy really tries to attack me with.  “You’re alone and always will be.”

Friday, I woke up with the same high fever I took to bed with me.   I rolled out of bed and went to the clinic, hoping it was just strep throat and would be dealt with by a few minutes with a doctor and antibiotics from the pharmacy a few isles away.  The PA looked concerned after seeing my 103 temperature and seeing that I couldn’t seem to grasp a deep breath.

She sat down and looked me in the eye.  “You have a really high fever and I’m concerned you have pneumonia.  I’m going to send you to an urgent care to get a chest x-ray.”  She continued on with how she’d call ahead for me and told me she just wouldn’t feel comfortable sending me home without getting checked somewhere else.  She printed out directions for me and sent me on my way.

I walked out to the car in shock.  I was scared.  I’d only known old people or really sick people that got pneumonia.  Some of them even died from it.   Then it happened.  The lonely set in.  “I have to go to this scary doctor and get x-rays by myself.   I don’t feel well.  What if I hear his directions incorrectly?   What if I have to go to the hospital?  I’ll be there alone.  Even if I don’t, I’m going to be home by myself for a few days.  My mom is 600 miles away.  I hate doing this by myself!”

Well, a few days later, I now know a few things that maybe we both can learn a little bit from.

1.        Being lonely is terrible.  It is not the way we were intended to be.  God designed us to love and serve one another.  We weren’t designed to fly solo.  Think of shut-ins in your community, people who live alone, moms who spend long days with young children.  Be someone who invites others to come to your house or invites yourself to theirs.  Let God use you to love the lonely. 

 2.     I am not alone.  Neither are you.  In times like these, or even just regular days when the imagination gets going a little too quickly, it’s really easy to let the enemy trick us into believing we are.  You are not alone.  This is a promise that God has made to you over and over again in Scripture. 

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths,^[a] you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.  Psalm 139:7-10

We train our hearts with God’s truth so that it trusts His promises instead of our feelings.  You are not alone. 


3.     Stop being lonely.  I hate it when I catch myself saying “I’m getting used to being alone.”   I get really frustrated with myself when I realize I’ve thrown a huge pity party for myself, but still think to invite no one.  What I’m getting at is, if you’re lonely, reach out to someone.  I know there are people I could’ve called that would’ve come with me.  I’m too prideful to “inconvenience them.”  Guess what?  People usually don't mind being inconvenienced to help a friend.  I’m embarrassed that I’m not strong enough to take care of myself and all of this on my own, but guess what?  I’m not.  So, lonely people out there, let me hit you with something hard.  Ask for help.  Tell someone you’re lonely.  Let someone love you.  You aren't a bother or a chore.  Fight your fear and invite someone in to the messy parts of your life.  They can help with the clean up and I guarantee it won’t feel nearly as lonely once you do.  Life is so much better lived that way—in messy, real, beautiful, loving, chaotic community.

So last night a dear friend, Tabitha, asked me what she could do to help and instead of saying, “oh, nothing.  I’m fine.”  I told her.  I would love meals and company.  Today, she and two of her kids came over.  They raced up and down my hallway as she made me food that will make me healthy again.  My house was loud and filled with coloring pages and crayon marks and I loved it.  It was crazy, awesome love (and really good food, too).  Great medicine for my soul.

Because really, we’re all sick with something.  We might as well get honest about it and ask for help.  Things aren’t so lonely that way.