I took myself out, even on Valentine’s Day, and think you should, too.

Yes, I took myself out to dinner on Valentine’s Day this year.

I know that sounds weird. And honestly, most of the time when people write a little too much about “rocking the solo life,” I think they’re a) not being truthful and b) trying to make it look like they’re really okay when they're not so sure. Maybe I’ve made it to a deeper level of delusion that I’m not writing from that place, but I don’t think that’s the case this time.

After all, I am pro-together, pro-relationship, pro-community, pro-love. I deeply believe faith and life are team sports. Life is better lived together. This post is not at all an ode to being “Miss Independent.” 

And yet, today, I’m going to say something seemingly contrary.

I take myself out for dinner (or lunch or coffee) sometimes and I think you should too.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: as great as my life is, I have an ongoing struggle with not feeling picked or being wanted. It’s my most familiar wound and my favorite lie to battle. My history is riddled with supposed proofs that affirm this wound when the battle rages on a given day.

I know I’m not alone in this wound. Many people, regardless of relationship status, experience this ache. I would even say that sometimes it feels bigger when dating or married because it’s not expected. This is one of the devil’s favorite tactics for us. He can trick us into a plethora of different sins when we feel the need to prove our value or numb the feeling of being unwanted.

Because of this particular wound, my heart and mind can get a bit wonky during a time of the year made for pairs.

My BFF, Katy, knows this about me very well. I was woken on Tuesday with a text from her to help affirm my heart.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, girl! You are so loved!!”

I loved hearing from her and starting my day that way. It helps. We should speak these reminders to each other.

But here’s the thing: this year, I knew it already.
Not just knew it, but believed it.
Not just believed it, but was living in it.

Perhaps it’s from more consistent time in Scripture in my recent weeks and months. Maybe it’s from taking time to work through my worth issues with a counselor who faithfully speaks back to me my identity as a daughter of the Father, whenever I speak a need for validation from another place. Maybe it’s learning to stop freaking out about being alone, and realize I’ve never been because of God’s incredible promise to be with me until the very end of the age.

Maybe it’s that I’ve begun seeing times by myself not as a last resort and proof that nobody wants me, but a divine appointment that Jesus has arranged to just be with me.

I actually considered my regular strategy of inviting a bunch of people to do something for Valentine’s, so we’re all busy being awesome instead of alone. I knew, though, at this particular time, that would’ve been proof of my need to prove my “okay-ness” with activity and people. And honestly, had it been a week earlier when I was feeling rattled with rejection, this may not have been the case.

Whatever the reason, Valentine’s Day was SO different this year.

I went to sleep the night before, prepping my heart for newsfeeds full of gushy posts and pictures of perfect dates and thoughtful gifts. Comparison is the thief of joy, ya know, Shel. Then this peace settled in over me and I thought with a smile:

“Jesus, I’m so excited to get up and spend Valentine’s Day with you. You’re just the best at love. I can’t wait to see what you have planned for us.”

Guys. I know that sounds so cheesy and fluffy, maybe a little disingenuous, and all kinds of #Jesusismyboyfriend ish. I’m totally aware. But I’m serious. It was real.

I texted Katy back with my delight to just be loved perfectly by the Lord for the day. I’m praying that this would be an everyday thing. To get up and be loved by Jesus, inviting him into every moment and step of this day’s adventure; that rejection and fear and loneliness would be defeated. 

Because here’s the thing: I’ve woken up way too many days desperately wanting to be wanted while feeling the exact opposite. I've had so many days where I've straight up told Jesus in my thoughts and actions that He and His love are not enough for me and I demand more. 

When we don’t believe that we are fully loved to the brim in Jesus and that He's what our heart truly needs, we beg, borrow, steal, coerce, guilt, manipulate, pressure, and burn ourselves out to be loved. When we don’t believe that we’re enough—that God deeply wants us just where we are, how we are--we begin a path of proving and demanding. 

We expect others to fill a place of love and identity that they simply cannot.

We live in a place of fragility, looking to the incomplete efforts of others to tell us who we are and what we’re worth. They feel beat up and we feel devastated.

Friends, this is dangerous for us, no matter our romantic situation.

No person should be in charge of giving us our worth. Jesus has already done it. Even in our most ragged and hot mess days, our worth remains because the cross was accomplished.

Time spent solo, (not device-dependent time, mind you) teaches us we’re okay. We get to talk to the One who made us, who never tires of hearing about our day, who delights in creating moments, appointments, and surprises for us to experience together, who will never waiver or be fickle, who will only speak truth and life and freedom to us.

So I took myself to dinner and sat by the window with a book at one of my favorite cafes. I watched as couples rushed past, others with gym bags, and men with bundles of flowers. I got some curious glances and I fought the urge to just sit there hidden in my phone, but I was okay. I was great, really.

Because I knew I wasn’t alone. Though it may not have looked like it from the outside, I was fully wanted in that moment. A moment for time with the One who called me “beloved” first and always.

When we can just simply be loved in the times that feel like the exact opposite, it strengthens our heart with truth. It creates space in us for grace.

If I trust I’m loved and can be content in it here, as one sitting at a table with two chairs, it will be easier for me to be loved and content in relationships with fallible people.

I will be better in relationships for having been alone with Jesus. I will be set free more and more from needing to be completed by someone else, and therefore be freed to love and enjoy them well. I will be less inclined to stress and overwork if I know that who I am doesn’t depend on what I’ve accomplished. I will be less weird and manipulative, if I trust I’m worthy of being loved regardless of who wants to be with me on a given day. I will be less likely to hold relational hostages by withholding the love I feel I haven't received because of what I have already received in Christ.

Time spent away with Jesus fills and anchors me, so I’m less rocked by the fickle. I’m more able to set people free with how I love them, instead of trying to trick them into loving me back. I’m able to persist through the sting of rejection because I know I’m fully and deeply chosen by the Best of the best.

This isn’t a recipe or invitation for one-way relationships or being insulated from hurts. However, when we find security in the One who can offer it perfectly, we’re set free to love well, whether or not it’s reciprocated. Since I’m not longer a slave to winning people over, I am no longer roping myself into unhealthy relationships and I can give life and grace to those who do choose me.

Life and love are so beautiful, y’all.

Dating, single, married, divorced, or otherwise, spend some time away with the One who made it and made you. Be reminded of and solidified in your place as His beloved. Let that fill and steady you. Let it heal you. Let it set you free as you love others well.

encouragement. the word that sustains the weary.

“The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary.” Isaiah 50:4

This word has been rocking my world this week. Impressing on my heart that as person who follows Jesus, especially one who gets to do ministry professionally, this is my calling and prayer: to have a well-instructed tongue that speaks words to sustain the weary.

What a beautiful thought. And I think quickly, then, how often my tongue is a poor student, inattentive and careless. Heckling and heaping onto the weary more than sustaining them. How quickly we take the role of world critic and our words follow suit.

Encouragement has been heavy on my heart recently. Scripture has a lot to say about encouragement and names it as a significant purpose for our words. One of the main themes of Paul's letter to the Ephesians is urging the Body to encourage one another. To give others the strength to carry on for another day in a world that wears and beats down. To rebuild one another with love and truth that we wouldn’t wither under the hailstorm of lies, hits, and disappointments the world rains on us. I can think of a few people in my life whose conversations feel like a storm shelter. I leave lighter and more rested than before; a little more whole and bold to face the stuff of life. What a gift.

I think this is what Paul is writing about in Ephesians 4:29, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” 

Or Proverbs 16:24, "Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

These verses can be equal parts of convicting and empowering for me. Is my tongue being well-instructed and tamed? Is what I’m saying helpful, necessary, healing? Am I adding to someone’s insecurity or assuring them they are enough and loved despite their weaknesses?

Ultimately, am I person that’s created a place safe enough for people to share their insecurities because they trust I’ll join them in the battle of protecting what’s vulnerable?

Or do I tell people through what I say and how I say it that I will be eager to put on my critic hat at the first sign of messiness, mistakes, weird quirks, or totally uncool dance moves?

I truly believe one of the most important parts of my job of working with college students is helping them believe they’re awesome. Speaking it as often as possible to a weary, uncertain, awkward, shaky, powerful, and inspiring group of people. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Knit together well and on purpose. Not made to be afraid or insecure, but open, brave, and secure; dorky hobbies, weird dance moves, and all. You’re incredible and endearing. You should know it. I should tell you. We should tell each other.

At the end of the day, when I reflect on what the past hours have held, I’ve lately asked, “have you done more building or demo today?” Have you found more flaw than art in those who bear God’s image around you? Or have you simply left a masterpiece ignored and unaddressed?

I’m not suggesting you just run up and down the sidewalks screaming compliments or telling strangers you think they’re awesome, but I mean, that could probably be pretty powerful, too. I’m merely asking this: do those around you get more beat up or built up by the hammer that is your words?

• If that’s a convicting question, know you are forgiven and invited into a life to the full by a Savior who believed you were worth it at your most weary and worn place. I believe there's a reason God gave us a means of grace that is a meal which must physically touch and go through our mouth; a part of us in constant and desperate need of healing and redemption. God spoke you into creation with his words and saved you in the saying of, "it is finished" and "he is risen."
• If you answer as one whose been neutral, neither tearing down or building, that’s alright. Sometimes silence is a great idea. “Shut-mouth grace,” as a friend of mine would call it, keeps us from saying things that are less than helpful. But sometimes we withhold the encouragement we hold in our hearts and minds for others. As if brilliant colored paints were meant to stay tucked in a drawer instead of adding life and courage to an on-going work. And other times, encouragement and truth with love isn’t comfortable, but still begs to be spoken, lest we let a masterpiece be ruined by cuts of lies or sin. Don't leave those around you guessing. You affect those who surround you. I pray you choose to engage, care enough to speak, and do so with words that build.
• And finally, if you answer as one who encourages and builds up, (which I believe all of us to some degree or another) thank you. Your words sustain weary souls like mine. Your words remind us that the devil isn’t winning, that we’re not alone, that God and love and hope are alive and more true than the hardest things we face. This is the power of encouragement. Cheering each other into the purposes that God has laid out for us. Hammering away at the chains of insecurity and lies that keep us from being free and brave to live the beautiful, meaningful stuff that God has planned for us. It drives us to pick up a hammer and aid other captives.

It starts, though, with you and I believing encouragement about us first. Say it with me: I am fearfully, wonderfully made, a masterpiece created for purposes God laid out in advance.

The more we believe this and stand in it in confidence, the more others go from competition in a zero-sum game to ones made to be delighted in. Comparison dies and celebration rises when we know we are created well, redeemed fully, and chosen constantly in Christ. And suddenly, it becomes this beautiful thing, an incredible privilege, to look into the eyes of another weary traveler, smile as you see divine reflection in them, and say, “you too.”

inspired.

I'm an artist.  I'm learning to just own it.  Not so much the painting, drawing kind.  But I love to create things.  It's not something I ever asked for.  It's just always been there.  I've tried putting it away for more "real" endeavors or let my insecurity convince me that I'm not actually an artist, only to find it coming back again as the most real thing I know.  I can't help myself.

Music.  Words.  Stories.  Designs.  Videos.  Crafty things.  Ideas.  Photos.  Meaningful Experiences.

The creative quality of our God gets to me.  Only recently have I embraced His whispers saying "this is how you're made in my image."  It makes me joyful and content.  Embracing why I exist--to point out the depth and beauty of life through creating and storytelling.  To give people hope and let them know they're loved by bringing something new to life.

Looking at my last hand full of blog posts, my dry spell is evident.  Stress and packed schedules, frustration and questioning, wounds and working have zapped my energy to create.  But today, I can't help myself.  This morning I find my being bursting to bring new things to life.  It begs a question for my morning reflection: "what inspires you?"

- People.  Straight up.  I see others living out boldly who God has created them to be and that makes me want to dive in.  Raw connection where freedom to be is not only allowed, but overflowing.  A deep sense of feeling known and loved frees to me to create.  Even if the product sucks, I'm known and loved all the more.  The destruction of comparison dies in a sea of love.

- Being outside.  When I'm locked up too long, I'm as good as fried.  I see the Master's creative work in His raw art and am inspired.  Being outside gets me moving and when my body feels healthy, my mind and spirit are clear.

- Truth.  Getting in the Word.  Watching the Word shape others.  Hearing what God is teaching those I love.  Watching and seeing redemption and restoration unfold among broken things is the most inspiring creative work of our Father.

- Rest.  The norm has to get broken for my mind to clear and creativity to take over.  One of the enemy's favorite tactics against me is stifling my creativity for the sake of task.  Being creative isn't easily done with a looming to do list.  Creativity arrives on its own schedule and when it's given space to move.  Trying to create under pressure is like spitting on the sparks in kindling in hopes of igniting it.  You must work hard at it, but it can't be forced.

- Straight up Holy Spirit nudging.  Almost as if to say, "seriously...this is what I've made you for.  Knock off the insecurity already.  Ditch the time wasting distractions.  Kick the negativity and create something already."  I think it's a powerful and humbling place to be when God makes it very clear to you that He's not gifted and inspired you just for your sake.  Put your doubts away, remember that you and your gifts belong to God to use for His glory and His purposes, and create in massive freedom.

It's not always easy to be an artist, especially when you're feeling completely unable to create.  We are a people at the mercy of inspiration, but knowing what inspires or what breaks inspiration helps us to be who God has given us to be.  Whether or not you're an artist type, God has created you to be creative in your area of giftedness.  We all need to be inspired.  So what inspires you?

who are you...becoming?

Who am I?  Have you ever asked yourself this question?

When I talk to college students or chat with friends, the “who am I” question is one of the most common themes weaved throughout ongoing conversations.  In a stage of life where people are trying to figure out “what should I do,” “what should I study,” “what am I good at,” it all points to the question identity.  Who am I?

Can you relate?  Fill in your own details, but the story is common.  You show up to college as Jane Brown of Small Town, USA, where everyone in the county knows your name and what you’re about.  While you were the best of the best at home, college is filled with many who are just as good or better.   The classes you couldn’t wait to take are much harder than expected and you’re not sure you even like them.  Nothing is what you thought it would be.  You aren’t who you thought you’d be.  And that’s when the big question surfaces…”who am I?”

If this is you, let me just start by saying “Congratulations—you’ve arrived!”  I know it sounds scary, but let me welcome you to world of opportunities and options, questions and discovery, experience and growth.  It is exciting!  Asking the question, “who am I,” means you’re seeking to find the answer and that is a great place to be.  You are not lost.  Here are some pointers of where to begin.

1.     1. Start with what is true.  Let me encourage you with a little help from CSP’s theme of the year.  We are God’s People.  You are God’s creation and He calls you His child.  When you are uncertain of who you are, start there.  You are loved by God in Christ and that won’t change.

2.     2. Learn about you.  Take some time to get to know yourself.  What do you enjoy doing?  What brings you joy?  What are the activities or who are the people who bring you to life or refresh you?  What are the things or who are the people who drain you?  How much sleep do you need?  How many commitments can you handle?  How do you know when you’re stressed and how do you cope?  What are you tendencies in communicating or in relationships?  How do you react to certain people or situations?  It’s good to be self-aware and difficult to grow or improve without knowing where you are.

3.     3. Try new things!  Young adulthood is filled with tons of opportunities to take a leap outside of your comfort zone and explore something new!  Take an elective that you’ve been curious about.  Go on a service trip.  Try a new ethnic restaurant.  Go to a campus event by yourself with the intention of meeting new people.  Sit at a different dining hall table than normal.  Pick up a random hobby like harmonica or geocaching.  Find a place to volunteer in the Cities.  Who knows what you might have a knack for or take an interest in?  Who knows what sort of adventure you may have, who you may meet, or what you might learn about yourself along the way?

4.     4. Be in relationship.  That’s pretty self-explanatory.  Dating or otherwise, this is a huge part of life learning.  Don’t go through life alone—you weren’t made that way.

5.       5. Do some reflecting.  You are in a time of significant learning about the world, others, and yourself.  There are a lot of valuable lessons going by!  Make time to do some reflecting.  Reflect on who you’ve been and where you’ve come from.  It’s in reflecting that we are able to learn and make use of our experiences.  When we reflect, our experiences become our teachers and we are changed.

6.       6. Get some help.  As you go through this time of self-discovery and world discovery, you may run into some road blocks.  Past wounds or issues may surface.  You may not know what to do with what you’ve learned or you’ve learned something about yourself that you don’t like and can’t change.  Counseling is never a bad idea and it’s free for college students.  Use it!  Seek out a mentor—someone who can walk alongside you and encourage you as you grow.  When figuring out more about yourself, it’s good to have guidance and grounding from others.

7.      7. Relax.  You don’t have to figure out everything about you and you won’t.  You won’t have your whole future planned or know every step of your life.  The more I’ve engaged in some of these six things above, the more I’ve realized something.  Just as much as I am Shelly, I am becoming Shelly.  Life is a process and process is beautiful.  It is growth.  Paul said himself, that he hadn’t achieved the goal, but presses on toward it.  Romans 12 urges us to “be transformed by the renewing of [our minds].”  We are free in Christ as God’s children right now and we continue to be more free in who we are all of the time.  This is an amazing time of developing yourself both inside the classroom and out.  Don’t miss out!

I hope that throughout your life, you keep asking “who am I,” digging into what your career should be, or what gives you have.   In addition to finding your identity in Christ, I challenge you to keep asking yourself, “who am I becoming?”  Ask God for help and guidance.  What past steps you can celebrate and what are the things you can continue to work at?  Challenge yourself.  Expect to grow.  Make plans to be different.  Who are you becoming?