life: living for relationship, not refrigerator space.

As much as I've loved the court time with my volleyball girls in the past months and weeks, I must say that it hasn't been easy.  To start with, it’s taken a lot of time and energy that is usually used to rest or invest in relationships with others. 

I’ve also been challenged because when it comes to coaching, I feel a little like a scooter on the freeway.  I realized at the beginning of the season that this would not be an experience that I felt incredibly qualified for.  Minnesota volleyball is a lot different than in when I played ball in Kansas.  I saw right away that this would be a humbling experience where I would have work hard to be mediocre.  I would have to go in confident and collected even when I felt like I had no idea what I was doing.  This is my regular coaching experience.  It has been a great one--humbling, uncomfortable, and breaking of my perfectionism.  God has been working on me.

I heard someone at a conference say recently, “Anything worth doing is worth being bad at for a while.”  That is good encouragement for me.  I’m not going to be perfect at anything.  Even to be good at something takes time and dedication.  To be good at something takes time, effort, and heart.  That means there will be a lot of work put in that isn’t worthy of hanging on the refrigerator.

 I love that imagery.  I had a professor say to me the other day, “Part of our job is teaching students that everything they do isn’t gonna get hung up on the refrigerator.” I laughed.  He’s so right.  We are a culture that needs to be commended.  We are raising generations that have got trophies for being on the team.  Sometimes we have to put in the hard work that nobody sees to reach the bigger goal.  As I thought about what the professor had said, I realized, I need to remember that I’m not going to get every project on the refrigerator.  Sometimes I’m going to be mediocre and nobody is going to notice.  Sometimes I’m just going to be doing the everyday things.  I don’t need a high five for that.

Encouragement is a great and important thing.  When it becomes what we run on, then we have an issue.  We find our identity in our successes, in our victories, in the stars our picture has as it hangs on the fridge.  We must be careful.  We must be careful not to wear “busy” on our sleeve as something others should honor, but repenting that it’s taken all of who we are.  To not sacrifice our relationships with family and friends for another activity or accolade.

At the end of a long week, too, realizing that it’s not really that big of a deal if I’m mediocre at most things.  If that’s my best, healthy effort, then that’s what it is.  The thing that ultimately matters is relationship.  As I’m doing my best, am I being the best person I can be on the way?  Am I taking time to acknowledge the best in others—to give them my best attention, my best ears, my best heart?  Those are things that matter more than an award, wins on a page, or names on a plaque.  To be our best at the relationships in our lives.  Not to fill up our story with lots of things that we’ll be mediocre at, just for a chance to get more attention and gold stars.  Not to be the person with the most relationships or the relational guru, but to be loving and learn how to be loved.  It’s worth doing well, so that means you’re probably going to be bad at it sometimes.  It’s probably not going to earn you a gold star or your picture on the fridge, but it’s so much more than that.  It’s grounding.  It’s lovely and whole.  It’s messy and fun.  It’s hard and beautiful.  It’s scary and safety.  We are not fully human without it.  Relationship is our essence.  To be satisfied with the ordinary, which is quite extraordinary.  To make time for adventure that may very well fail in measurement, but be a win in experience and relationship.  To see and embrace just how different God’s economy is from the world’s—that we aren’t looking for notoriety, but taking note of ways to give ourselves to others.  I’m trying to learn this as I live in the meantime.  To start embracing relationship and making it a priority right now, even though it’s not a romantic relationship or a family that I’m making time for.  Married or otherwise, this is what we were made for—relationship.  God knew this.  He calls us His and we make the refrigerator, not because of something we did that was worthy, but He calls us worthy because we're His.

Let us love one another and call each other important.  It’s the good stuff in life—better than any space we could occupy on the refrigerator.

control: be still and know God is God.

The gym is loud with voices of junior high and high school girls.  The crack of hitting the ball and bounce of it on the floor.  One of our outside hitters jumps high and swings through, sending the ball to the floor on the other side of the next only steps in front of another player.  I hear my own voice join the noise, “GET LOW AND MOVE YOUR FEET!”


It's probably the 25^th time I've said that today.  I'm a jr. high/high school volleyball coach.  I cherish my time with these young girls as they learn how to play a sport that I love and how to become mature young women in this world.  Coaching has taught me lots of things.  Right now it is teaching me about control and how little of it I have over most things.


Ask any coach and they’ll tell you.  You put in tons of hours of practice every season.  You spend restless nights thinking of what you could’ve done differently to pull out the win.  You sacrifice time with family and friends for games and tournaments.  You put your heart into the game and into the team.  This is a coach’s world.  Every coach knows, though, that regardless of the time and effort put into the game by the coach, there is much that is out of their hands.  I can say “GET LOW” a hundred times during practice and it changes nothing unless the player decides to implement what they’ve been taught.  I can try different ways to teach the same skill, in hopes that some of my players will get the hang of it.  Some of them just don’t have the giftedness.  I can’t change that.  Some of them just don’t have the drive.  I can’t change that either.

Regardless of our efforts, there is much out of our control in this life.

Being a girl who loves to be in control, I am a slow learner of this.  God is working on me.  :-)

I teach my girls about this.  You get railed by a serve from another team.  You can’t control that.  Sometimes you can’t even control what you do.  It’s more important about how you react to what you can’t control.  You shake it off and get ready to play the next point.  “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 3:13-14)

My dad recently went in for a series of tests to see if his medical conditions have worsened.  There was a significant possibility that it had developed into something cancerous.  We were all completely helpless about this.  It was out of our control.  The news came back positive this week, but it made me realize that there was little we could do about the circumstances.  What we could control was our attitude and responses.  Be still and acknowledge that God is God. (Ps. 46)

A friend of mine just went through a difficult and unexpected break up.  Even in relationships where we feel at peace and secure, there is a lot of trust that is place in what we cannot control.  We cannot control the other person’s level of commitment to us, but we love trusting it is there.  Sometimes we get burned by things we cannot control.  We ask God for strength, pick ourselves up again, and learn once again that there is much out of our control.  Be still and know that God is God.

Today is September 11^th.  Ten years ago today, our country learned that we didn’t possess the amount of control that we thought we did.  Our own soil, which we were sure was under our control, was violated.  We have learned as a country, that nothing is certain or safe.  Be still and know that God is God.

This is all true.  There are tons of things, scary and not scary, that are out of our control.  It’s a fact of life.  One that I happen to really, really hate, by the way.  It’s good for us though.  We can’t be in control all of the time.  God is teaching me that.  He’s gently reminding me: “If you can be in control all of the time and have things go just your way, why would you need Me?”  Plus, there are a lot of things that I’ve been in control of and seen in retrospect of unglorifying they were and I worked to get what I wanted instead of what was good.  The thing is, sometimes we don’t even know what is good.  We need a God that is working for our good and working despite of us.  He is using the times we’ve trusted and been broken.  He’s using the times when we are helpless in a situation because someone else has to do the implementing.  This brings us back to Him in prayer.  It gives Jesus the throne seat and forces us to acknowledge that we are powerless, but He is oh, so able.  We can’t accomplish anything through our greatest efforts, but things change when we be still and let God be God. (Ps. 46)

There’s so much that we can do to affect change in our lives.  There is also so much out of our control.  I think about my own story—there is much more unknown coming up.  There are areas that I wish I could alter to make them look more like I’d want them to be--relationships, job, physical wellness, etc.  But knowing that even in the unknown or out of control, God doesn’t change.  His love for us doesn't change.  His promise to be our refuge doesn't change.  He says to us "have peace, be still, don't grip things so tightly and acknowledge that I is in control and God over all things."

We praise You, Lord, for being our closest advocate who is also God of the universe.  Thank You for being our King, our God, our Savior.  Thank You for Your providence and how You are weaving all things together for Your glory and our good.  We love You. Amen.

be gracious with yourself: lists, rock climbing, & being 25.

Well friends, here I am.  My 24th year has come and gone.  Tomorrow is pretty much the official ending to my summer as students return for training week.  Another summer here and gone.  It made me think about time and our expectations.

So for those of you who have looked at this thing a time or two, maybe you saw my summer adventure list.  Today I'm realizing, as reflect on this list I made for myself, how very ambitious I naturally am.  So much so, in fact, that I'm still not convinced I can't finish a few more of these things within the next few weeks.  Ambitious, I tell you!

I'm just over half for my list.  The Stonearch bridge was walked, I started the harmonica, did some water activities, hit up the farmer's market and outdoor concert fun, took a road trip, got red in my hair, tried a new food at Seasalt (that's a 2 for 1).  A few I didn't exactly accomplish, but close variations that I may choose to claim.  A few I still hold out hope for.

One thing that wasn't on my list was rock climbing.  A few friends and I went rock climbing last week.  We had fun.  I thought myself to be fairly experienced with climbing walls after a summer of it at my camp.  After 2 consecutive days of hard workouts previously to climbing, my body was very sore.  I was a little worried about that, but still pretty confident because I wasn't new to this activity.  Boy, did I stink.  I was not good.  I only made it to the top maybe 3 times.  I couldn't grip the holds.  My muscles were shaking and I gave up after awhile.  My friend who was new to climbing had little trouble scaling the walls.  Usually I'd spend a day or two moping about this or being bitter toward my friend for doing better than me.  Especially when it comes to physical challenges, I want to excel!  This failure was awesome.  I fought the bad feelings, stopped making excuses, accepted my limitations, and embraced the day as fun.  I didn't meet my expectations, but I tried, I learned, and had a good time with friends.

So I'm a person of reflection.  Maybe that's because a professor I had in college couldn't get enough of it, but I appreciate the opportunity to take life beyond just experiencing, but actually gleaning something.  So I spent some time reflecting on my summer.  And year 24 of my life.

There were beautiful times and difficult times found in each--some experiences being both beautiful and difficult simultaneously.  Each had its own set of expectations.

--I always want to make a year the best year ever.  I want to make an age worthwhile.  I feel pretty good about doing that with 24.  I've challenged myself personally and relationally.  I've taken huge strides in walking in community and exploring what it means to surrender independence.  I've worked through wounds (and still continue to do so).  I've experienced the joy and hardship of my first year of professional ministry.  I've taken journeys. :-)  Co-leading my first abroad trip and getting to experience the Holy Land, something that 24 will always be remembered by.

--This summer, I've processed through many difficult good-byes, learned how to rest on my own, began to learn how to embrace community with generosity and love, and learned that some of the best adventures or experience are ones you didn't plan on or even know you wanted.  Those rock.

Even so, with all of that, I felt a tug yesterday.  As birthday wishes rolled in, I heard lots of jokes about being closer to 30 and being asked what it feels like to be on the brink of a quarter-life crisis.  I take it all pretty lightly, but for a moment I wondered, "I'm 25.  What do I have to show for it?"  I laughed to myself.  Well...not really much of any possessions, which I'm pretty okay with,...not a diversified portfolio or kids or a boyfriend or a cool car or a master's degree or an album or even a pet.  I've been trying to climb this wall called life for 25 years and sometimes it feels like I haven't grabbed too many big holds.  It's easy to get discouraged by expectation.  Most of the time, I would argue, that they're not even our own expectations, but an expectation of comparison--an oh-so-dangerous measuring stick to live by.

Obviously, there's lots that an ambitious girl didn't get done with her summer.  It's a fact.  I've embraced my ambition.  I understand that some things have to be let go.  Lists and goals are beautiful things.  It keeps us intentional and focused.  We need some prize to keep our eye on.  However, I constantly must remind myself that the points on my goals and lists aren't always on God's list of goals and plans for my life.  Our agendas don't always line up.  I think I'm going to end up in Minnesota with another snowy spring break and He gives me the gift of a 10 days in Israel.  The path that we plan to take is not always the one God leads us down or if it is, it's usually not what we think it'll be.

We don't know the plans.  When we get so set on our own plans for our story and find out that they don't come to pass, it can be easy to get discouraged and disappointed.  The purpose for lists is to keep us going, not stop us with guilt and regret.

I refuse to be disappointed with the amount of checks on my summer adventure list (even though it'd be fun to get a couple more).  I refuse to be upset or bitter about things I haven't yet accomplished in my life.  God gave us freedom and grace.  It's not just for us to give away to others, but also to receive ourselves.  Be gracious in your reflection.  Embrace your journey.  Realize that wherever you are in that journey that God has filled your life with stories.  They may not have been the stories I would've chosen, but it'd be lame if they all were.  Every once in awhile you watch a movie knowing how it ends, but generally it's not desired to know the outcome. Life leaves an element of surprise that teaches us to trust and lean on one another.  I want adventure and that's unpredictable.

Even with boxes unchecked, there is always one thing on my list I can accomplish.  That's to bring joy.  To choose joy in the waiting.  In the adventure.  In the mishaps of adventure.  In the boring.  In the devastating.  In the seemingly hopeless and the utterly disappointing.  Choosing joy.  Bringing joy to others.  No matter the things to come or what has been, God is faithful.  God is providing.  God is unfolding.  He is untouchable and unchanged.  As long as the tomb is still empty, we have reason to be overflowing with joy.  If you are disappointed about failing to accomplish any goal, may it be that one.

So here's to 25--a year of joy and adventures both planned and unexpected, and to the grace I will rest in for the things that don't get accomplished.  Here's to lessons, stories, relationships, and choosing joy.

Grace and peace, friends.