Well, in the last few weeks, much to my dismay, I haven’t done much writing. I have, however, done more than my normal amount of praying. Not because I’m awesome and have mastered having a rockin’ meditative prayer life, but out of necessity. Scripture says “be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” I’m done being anxious. That means there’s been a lot of “presenting” going on with me lately. There are things that I want to be in place right now that aren’t. When I look at my life, I get frustrated sometimes because of the gap between where I am and where I desire to be—whether that’s in eating healthy, exercise, friendships, relationships, work or my relationship in the Lord. It’s difficult to cease striving (the meaning of the “be still” in Psalm 46) and rest in who God has already made me to be. It’s tough for me to embrace where I’m at, trusting in God’s goodness in the present, and just soak up the journey. This is the downside of being a goal person—it’s difficult to simply enjoy the place where you are.
So I’ve taken to telling God about these gaps in my life. Great, right? Well…kinda. I found myself reminding God about my situations. I’d remind Him about how He hasn’t given me “this” yet or shown me “that” yet. Ya know, God, I have been waiting for a long time for your best for me. I’ve been here a few weeks now and you haven’t brought many new friends yet. I wholeheartedly believe in praying with expectation, but this was twisted. I found myself praying with my expectations instead of praying with the expectation of God to show up and fulfill His promises. There’s a huge difference. I realized this recently and just froze; appalled at my actions.
God, I’m sorry that I’m assuming You need a reminder of my situations. I’m sorry I’m treating You like You’ve forgotten me. I’m sorry I’m acting like You’re not already working behind the scenes in my story. I’m sorry for asking for more when You have blessed me with SO MUCH. And even so, I can’t help myself in wanting more. I’m treating You like You work for me instead of vice versa. I’m telling You about how big my struggles and stresses are instead of boldly claiming the promises You’ve made to address them. I am so sorry.
It’s a heart struggle. I’m trying to achieve and have what I want to have instead of letting God be Lord of my life. The thing is, God is in control of all things and all people. He knows our hurts, our struggles, our joys, our dreams, the things we long for and the things we fear the most. He knows all of that. Not only does He know about it, He is working on it. We need to address Him as so.
I haven’t stopped telling God about all of those things in my story. We’re still talking them over. But the way I address Him and my attitude about it all is so different. Instead of nagging God, I’m thanking Him for already working on those things. Instead of reminding Him about my worries, I’m claiming the promises He’s already given me. Instead of pouting that I haven’t seen Him work, telling Him about my excitement of what He’s going to do next because He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. Instead of insisting on my will, surrendering to His and knowing that it’s going to be better anyway. I'm learning to trust You, Jesus. With the big things and the little things, may You be glorified.
There’s been a transformation in our conversations. Well, at least on my end. The I AM is still transforming me.