what i'm taking from 2012.

It's that time of year again.  Time to remember the old and usher in the new.

It's been my custom to do a year in review sort of thing, but this year, I decided to do something a little different.  Instead of events, here are the learnings of 2012.  After all, I would argue that what we take away from an experience is often far more important than the actual experience itself.  Much of life's circumstances are out of our control, but we can always choose to learn, grow, and be better from whatever happens.  So here is what I'm taking from 2012.

1.  Change is so hard.  And life is full of it.

I look back on this year as one of the most transition filled in my whole life.  However, I look back on it and say, "I did that.  I'm okay.  I made it.  I was brave.  I had an adventure."  No regrets about taking leaps, only hope and excitement for what's ahead.

2. Life is full of disappointments.  Things often don't turn out how we imagine they would.  You must learn to grip the rope of life loosely, so when it gets pulled out from you, your hands don't get burned.  Jesus is the only thing that will not burn you.  There is brokenness in the world and that's not God's fault, but we have a God who loves being creative.  So creative, in fact, that He makes beautiful things out of the dust. Even out of the chaos, He makes beautiful things.  Colossians tells us not to be surprised when difficult things happen to us.  It's part of the fallen world and us being people marked in Christ.  We have a hope, though, that He works all things for the good of those who love Him.  A promise like that makes brokenness worth enduring.

3.  Life is so beautiful.  Don't allow experiences or circumstances to make you bitter or fearful.  It's a battle.  Sometimes, I want to hide under a table and let the world go by for fear of what awaits me next.  Sometimes, I want to ignore everyone and be jaded about all that is wrong in the world and its residents.  There are days where I could stay in that place, but I'm reminded of this:

"I have come that you may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

Captivity to fear and captivity to bitterness is nothing resembling fullness.  We have to be careful that the lessons we learn from bad experiences in the past, don't keep us from taking a risk on great experiences later.  For me, it's recognizing when my heart is going there and taking steps to be free.  I'm excited for some life to the full in 2013.

4.  Take a risk.  You only have limited opportunities to do so.  If something falls through, you tried, you learn.  One of my favorite quotes this year was from Helen Keller.  "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

5.  Jesus is faithful.  Wow...I can't say that enough.  The lyric from the hymn "Abide with Me" has been a word of strength this year. "Change and decay in all around I see, oh, Thou who changest not, abide with me."  He has provided in ways I can't comprehend.  Through so many trials, He has prepared me and rescued me.  He has spoken words of truth from His Word and through others.  He has allowed me to be broken and loved me into wholeness.  He's given me opportunities I couldn't have dreamed of.  I would not have weathered this year (or any other for that matter) with out the wonderful grace of God in Christ.  Your plans are still to prosper.  You are Sovereign over us.

6.  People are worth it.  I've said a lot of hard goodbyes and see ya laters in 2012.  I've spent a lot of time and money in the last year (and will continue to do so this year) to travel to be with friends and family who are far away.  I'm rarely disappointed by that choice.  Stuff, gadgets, whatever...they aren't nearly as valuable and fulfilling as people.  Spending time and money to see people is always worth it.  I'm grateful for getting to see my godson be baptized, my nephew as a new baby, friends here visiting me from all over, time at the Sem, last minute adventures before moving, those moments and connections are precious.  Don't take time with people you love for granted.  True friendship is not all lost.

7.  Which leads me to..don't do this thing alone.  The best times are better and the worst times aren't so bad when you've got someone in it with you.  You can't do it alone and you're not supposed to.  Let people in.  Be messy.  Be real.  Be loved.  Invite someone along for the ride in 2013.

8.  "Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well."  Seeking God's Kingdom and His righteousness not an easy request.  It puts aside our kingdoms and our own self-righteousness and calls us to something bigger.  Being part of kingdom growth in Nicaragua, Concordia, and Arizona in 2012 has been a labor of love. Often challenging, but where my heart is filled.  If we're not doing something in order that God may be glorified and more people come to know Jesus, then what are we doing it for?  If it is for ourselves, we need to stop and repent immediately.  And His righteousness.  We have been given a task that we cannot complete, but in Christ we are given robes of righteousness.  We are called to walk in the light and allow God's Word to be sharper than any double-edged sword against any sin in our hearts.

    Then, we don't do this so that we get things added unto us, but seeking Jesus is the goal!  All else goes strangely dim and pails in comparison.  It's a resolution for each new year, that we would seek you, Jesus, more than we have before. 

9.  Joy is both a gift and a choice.  God gave us joy in Jesus when we couldn't choose joy on our own.  We are gifted with joy from our Heavenly Father in nearly every moment we breathe.  But when things are challenging, our hearts our breaking, the world seems dark, we can choose to see joy.  So many things are beyond our control and yet, the promise of life to the full remains.  Scripture talks about having joy in the presence of God.  Since Jesus is Emmanuel, a very present God, we are given joy.  Joy that the enemy can't touch nor take nor damage nor shake.  It is hidden with Christ in God.

10.  I'm way stronger than I thought. :-)  I've came through a lot this year with starting a new life in a new place.  I know it wasn't in my strength that I did it.  God can bring you through so much more than you thought you could handle.  But yeah, I'm kind of proud of that.

11.  And way weaker than I thought. :-S  None of us are untouchable or unstoppable.  We all have weaknesses, breaking points, and vulnerabilities.  This is why I can't do this thing alone.  This is why I need rest.  This is why I desperately need Jesus.

12.  Hope.  It's the word of the year.  "Ponder anew what the Almighty can do."

May your 2013 be full of reminders that you are desperately loved by Jesus.  Here's to a new year.

people say dumb things.

People say dumb things.  It’s part of being a creature in this fallen world.  Fortunately, most creatures are incapable of speech, but for humans, our depravity sinks to a whole new level with the wide world of words.

We’ve all been there.  Those days where you wish your own words were on a string, so you could reel them back in just as quickly as you spewed them out.  And then there are those days, when you wish you could use the speech string to tie someone else’s mouth shut.  Thank God for His grace because it's true.  We’re compulsively prone to say things that are just plain dumb.

I was standing around after a gathering this past week, when I woman I hadn’t seen in a few years came up to me and gave me a hug as she squealed “welcome back!”  I smiled remembering that some people hadn’t seen me yet, since I’ve moved back here this past summer.  She leaned in close, “so did you go get married yet?”

I smile, with my eyes rolling in my head.  Really, lady?  “No, not yet…” I respond politely.  

With puppy dog eyes, she whispered, “oh honey..I am so sorry.”

I’m sorry I’m in this conversation.  Remember, Shelly, she’s just trying to be supportive.  I put on a happy face.

“Ya know..it’s really okay.  For right now, this is where the Lord has me and I’m grateful.  As much as I'm excited for a relationship, he’s blessed me with a great place to be in ministry and I know that He is using this time for His purposes.  I’m grateful.”  It was an honest answer.

“Good for you, honey.  That’s what you have to do!  You just stay strong!  And ya know what??  It’ll happen.  You’ll find someone.  Or…maybe you won’t.”

And off she went as she caught the next person she needed to speak with.

Well intentioned.  We all are the majority of the time.  I think we have to be careful of that.  Those well intentioned words that we mean to build others up can have the ability to leave them down trodden.  Proverbs 15:28 says, “the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking.”  Our words are a tricky ship to navigate.  Ones that can get easily swept away and never go back to being  unspoken.

It is wise to pray for our words and the words of others.

One of my favorite orders of worship is Celtic Morning Prayer.  Part of the liturgy says this:
This day, be in the heart of each to whom I speak.  In the mouth of each who speaks to me.

It’s good to pray for our words and that God would guard the hearts of those we're speaking to when we do say dumb things.  Those of us with great opportunity to speak have great opportunity to tear down or to build up.  Pray that God uses your words and mine.  Pray also for the words of others spoken to you.  That those words spoken to you would be uplifting and truth-filled.  That they would speak life and healing.  That they would always point to hope in Jesus.

May we be so soaked in Jesus that we say fewer dumb things because we can't help but speak truth.  May we be so soaked in the truth that we don’t help the enemy's work by repeating to ourselves the dumb things that others say to us.

After all, people mean well.  We just say dumb things.

not on the same path: giving God some praise.

Well, I've come a long way since this day.  26 years of adventures, misadventures, lessons, joys, hardships, and lots of laughs have brought me to where I am today.  I am in awe.  God, You are so good to me.

I recently had a conversation with one of my dearest friends from college.  He is doing professional theatre and working on an MFA in acting in the south.  He's living his dream and I, mine.  We're in places that have been a long time coming.  It's amazing to see that journey unfold and say "I made it to this great landmark of life!"  He and I were talking, though, how easy it is to be at this point and look at the people that you used to share a landmark with.  Whether you were at the same place in grade school, high school, college, or the past decade, it can be tempting to compare.  Some people are married and about ready to have their third child.  Others are overseas doing Bible translating in remote locations or working on their doctorate.  Some are busy pursuing music while others are loving being full-time mamas.  It's amazing to think that all of us once stood at the same land mark.    It's so easy to think that some are ahead or behind of others.

 As we talked, I heard God speaking wisdom about journey.  You cannot be ahead or behind if you're not on the same path.  That still makes me smile.  There's no use comparing journeys or trying to measure the story of your life against another's.  It doesn't even make sense.  And how you do measure it?  You can't.  You're on a different road.

So on this 26th birthday, I praise You, God, for my unique path; my never-before-written story.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made--help me to hold fast to that!

I thank You for the many and various places in Your world that You've allowed me to see.  Natural wonders, historical places, rich cultures and people; Your beauty surrounds and speaks to Your glory.

I praise You for the wonderful people along the journey that have been characters in my story.  They teach me about You and show me a bit more of Your image.

I praise You for your provision and how You've steadied my heart through many and various storms and trials.

I praise and thank You for how You've called me to serve Your Church.  I am humbled and joyful.

I thank You for the gentle reminders of Your love and grace in my life and the opportunity to share those with others.  In You, is wholeness.

I PRAISE You for what is to come Jesus and how You are working behind the scenes!  You know how I love surprises!

I praise You for where You've led me through, where You have me right now, and where You are leading me next.  Thank you for being my faithful travel partner who navigates the road and unfolds the story with such beauty, grace, and creativity.  I wouldn't trade my path for anything.

conversation transformation: changing my attitude of prayer.

Well, in the last few weeks, much to my dismay, I haven’t done much writing.  I have, however, done more than my normal amount of praying.  Not because I’m awesome and have mastered having a rockin’ meditative prayer life, but out of necessity.  Scripture says “be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  I’m done being anxious.  That means there’s been a lot of “presenting” going on with me lately.  There are things that I want to be in place right now that aren’t.  When I look at my life, I get frustrated sometimes because of the gap between where I am and where I desire to be—whether that’s in eating healthy, exercise, friendships, relationships, work or my relationship in the Lord.  It’s difficult to cease striving (the meaning of the “be still” in Psalm 46) and rest in who God has already made me to be.  It’s tough for me to embrace where I’m at, trusting in God’s goodness in the present, and just soak up the journey.  This is the downside of being a goal person—it’s difficult to simply enjoy the place where you are.

So I’ve taken to telling God about these gaps in my life.  Great, right?  Well…kinda.  I found myself reminding God about my situations.  I’d remind Him about how He hasn’t given me “this” yet or shown me “that” yet.  Ya know, God, I have been waiting for a long time for your best for me.  I’ve been here a few weeks now and you haven’t brought many new friends yet. I wholeheartedly believe in praying with expectation, but this was twisted.  I found myself praying with my expectations instead of praying with the expectation of God to show up and fulfill His promises.  There’s a huge difference.  I realized this recently and just froze; appalled at my actions.

God, I’m sorry that I’m assuming You need a reminder of my situations.  I’m sorry I’m treating You like You’ve forgotten me.  I’m sorry I’m acting like You’re not already working behind the scenes in my story.  I’m sorry for asking for more when You have blessed me with SO MUCH.  And even so, I can’t help myself in wanting more.  I’m treating You like You work for me instead of vice versa.  I’m telling You about how big my struggles and stresses are instead of boldly claiming the promises You’ve made to address them.  I am so sorry.

It’s a heart struggle.  I’m trying to achieve and have what I want to have instead of letting God be Lord of my life.  The thing is, God is in control of all things and all people.  He knows our hurts, our struggles, our joys, our dreams, the things we long for and the things we fear the most.  He knows all of that.  Not only does He know about it, He is working on it.  We need to address Him as so.

I haven’t stopped telling God about all of those things in my story.  We’re still talking them over.   But the way I address Him and my attitude about it all is so different.  Instead of nagging God, I’m thanking Him for already working on those things.  Instead of reminding Him about my worries, I’m claiming the promises He’s already given me.  Instead of pouting that I haven’t seen Him work, telling Him about my excitement of what He’s going to do next because He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.  Instead of insisting on my will, surrendering to His and knowing that it’s going to be better anyway.  I'm learning to trust You, Jesus.  With the big things and the little things, may You be glorified.

There’s been a transformation in our conversations.  Well, at least on my end.  The I AM is still transforming me.

welcome to the meantime, Mumford.

I'm digging this new single.

"stop telling me what I can't do with you."

It’s still a little surreal, but I’m here.  The first wave of reality hit about half way through the road trip.  I’m actually doing this. 

At the risk of completely blowing my confident cover as a single 20-something doing her thang, I’m going to level with you.  As utterly excited as I am for this move and new job, I get freaked out sometimes.  I let my thoughts get away from me and the enemy attacks with accusing questions.  Am I going to be any good at this?  Will I thrive here?  Will I be liked?  Will this be where I’ll stay forever?  What about buying a house?  What if I don’t make friends?  What if I stop growing?

What if I can’t do it?

Fears and doubts.  I don’t like them at all.  It’s a struggle I’ve seen surface in the past few months.  I’m sure it’s been there most of my life, but only recently have been able to see it for what it is.  It’s not all the time, but occasionally I’ll catch my mind jumping aboard this train of cyclical fear-filled thought.  I’ll act and realize that I’ve just made a decision out of fear.

Fear isn’t from God except if it’s for God.  It’s sinful—pulling circumstances from God’s capable hands and letting them overflow through our trembling fingers.  I want to stop making decisions out of fear.  Fear isn’t freedom.  Taking a big step despite fear is freedom, though.  A few months ago, I really felt God saying to me, “Stop telling me what I can’t do with you.”  I agreed with God.  I have been doing that for a long time in many areas of my life and I want to be done with it.  I’m excited to see what You’ll do, Lord.  You like using the improbable and scary.  Thank you, God, for helping me get to this place. 

Overcoming fear means trusting in the goodness and promises of God—for your life, for your eternity, for your family, your job, your future, your relationships, your well-being, for everything.  It’s trusting that God is so very faithful.  It’s trusting He brought me here for His holy purposes that He’s going to accomplish.  It’s trusting that He loves His people and His Church.  It’s trusting that He loves me.  Because of all these promises I know to be true, it’s going to be okay.  Better than okay. 

I read a quote today that went something like this:
“Memorizing God’s promises could be the difference between winning and losing the battles of your day.”

Philippians 4:6 has been my favorite as of late.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7

I cling to these promises, keep breathing, and take one thing at a time.  It’s the enemy’s trick to make the storm look bigger and our God look smaller.  For me, too many thoughts easily turn into a mind tornado, but one at a time is a lovely breeze at my back that pushes me to steadily move forward.

Lord, today I’m choosing Your promises over my fears.  You know better and will be glorified and further Your Kingdom with Your plans.  I want to be part of that.  I need You’re help to trust, but I know You’re able to bring me peace and strength just as much as You are able to deal with all that surrounds me.  Help me to trust You’ll never leave me and that You can use me, even when I fear.

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

daring to be uncommon.

In the still moments of my morning, the beauty of relationship and trust envelops me as I listen to Phil Wickham’s Divine Romance.  It’s one of my favorites.  It brings me back to the reality that being a Jesus follower all comes back to a relationship.  I see an image of Jesus and I embraced and moving together.  I am safe and whole.  I am loved by Him fully and completely.  And only then, can I surrender to the overwhelming grace and incredible journey He’s inviting me into.

I’ve always known that the life I desired, was called to, could only find acceptable was anything but ordinary.  Whether in a seemingly average existence or something completely off the map of normal, I long for extraordinary.  On some level, I think that as Christ followers there’s something inside of us that longs for life that’s not common.   People don’t dream of average.*  I dream of unexpected adventure.  I desire extraordinary relationships.  I yearn for an uncommon story that is unaffected by the pressures of maintaining status quo. 

John Eldridge said this in his book Sacred Romance: 
We have been rescued, but still the choice is ours to stay in our small stories, clutching our household gods and false lovers, or to run in search of life.

So what does this look like and how do we get there?

Well, if I knew what it looked like, that’d be the worst told story ever.  I’m ready for plot twists and blind opportunities.  I’m excited for a story that draws others in and says “wow, God isn’t boring or far away because He was obviously at work with You.”  Psalm 139 talks about all of our days being recorded in His book.  I think God writes our stories as page turners.  He’s riveted.  We’re the stories He stays up all night reading because even though He knows what happens next, He can’t wait to surprise us with what is around the bend.  I love that.

As far as how to get there, there are only two things I know to do.  

The first is to seek the life and freedom that Scripture brings.  As it convicts, as it boldly testifies of our God, as it seals and firms His promises in our heart, we are fitted with His armor and find ourselves ready to follow with our crosses in hand.  The Word makes known to us what God’s heart is.  I know people with seemingly ordinary stories who are soaking up the Word and allowing it to direct their far from common daily journey of receiving and giving grace and love.  It’s inspiring.

The second is a practice I’ve adopted in the last few weeks.  It’s simply to get up in the morning and ask the Holy Spirit to take me on a journey.  My morning of getting ready is often full of questions.  “How would you use me today, Abba?  Where do you want to take me?  What do you want me to see or learn?  How do you want me to rest or be challenged?  Who do you want me to notice or love?  How are you going to do the unimaginable today, Daddy...and can I come, too?”

For me, though, I’ve been discovering how much fear is connected to these questions.  As much as I truly desire all the things I’ve been asking and long for an uncommon story, I am sometimes afraid to even think those prayers.  The enemy whispers that I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Whatever that even means.  I get scared of where this adventure could lead.  I might not have time for my “to do” list if I’m at the mercy of His.  My life may not meet expectation, but cause people to question or even disapprove of me.  I get scared of whom He might have me talk to or call me to love and that it will be difficult.  I get afraid that my life is impractical or unfeasible or irresponsible.  Fear steps in and breaks up the embrace my Savior has wrapped me in.  He fights to bring me wholeness and love despite it, but this fear keeps stepping in between.  It keeps me from experiencing the depth of God’s promise to never leave or forsake me.  It keeps me from desperately clinging on to Jesus when times are uncertain.  And when adventure is high and stories are uncommon, you can’t have anything standing in the way of you and your Lifeline.  I'm sorry, Jesus, for not trusting You.

So over and over again, I speak the truths I know.  God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear or timidity, but one of power and self-discipline.  God, Your Spirit is wild.  I’m giving You my fear and trading it for the adventure of taking up my cross and following You.  Your journey is going to be far more thrilling and fulfilling than anything I could plan or dream and You promise that we’re in this thing together.  We might have to start over again tomorrow when I see that fear has snuck back in the midst of us.  Maybe some days it won’t.  Either way, You are patient and we continue on together.  I love soaking up those moments with You as we walk together today and I see the glimmer in Your eye as we look toward what’s just around the bend.  This life, this faith, this relationship with You is making everything far from ordinary.  It’s enough to bring me through fear into Your freedom and so we keep walking.