be gracious with yourself: lists, rock climbing, & being 25.

Well friends, here I am.  My 24th year has come and gone.  Tomorrow is pretty much the official ending to my summer as students return for training week.  Another summer here and gone.  It made me think about time and our expectations.

So for those of you who have looked at this thing a time or two, maybe you saw my summer adventure list.  Today I'm realizing, as reflect on this list I made for myself, how very ambitious I naturally am.  So much so, in fact, that I'm still not convinced I can't finish a few more of these things within the next few weeks.  Ambitious, I tell you!

I'm just over half for my list.  The Stonearch bridge was walked, I started the harmonica, did some water activities, hit up the farmer's market and outdoor concert fun, took a road trip, got red in my hair, tried a new food at Seasalt (that's a 2 for 1).  A few I didn't exactly accomplish, but close variations that I may choose to claim.  A few I still hold out hope for.

One thing that wasn't on my list was rock climbing.  A few friends and I went rock climbing last week.  We had fun.  I thought myself to be fairly experienced with climbing walls after a summer of it at my camp.  After 2 consecutive days of hard workouts previously to climbing, my body was very sore.  I was a little worried about that, but still pretty confident because I wasn't new to this activity.  Boy, did I stink.  I was not good.  I only made it to the top maybe 3 times.  I couldn't grip the holds.  My muscles were shaking and I gave up after awhile.  My friend who was new to climbing had little trouble scaling the walls.  Usually I'd spend a day or two moping about this or being bitter toward my friend for doing better than me.  Especially when it comes to physical challenges, I want to excel!  This failure was awesome.  I fought the bad feelings, stopped making excuses, accepted my limitations, and embraced the day as fun.  I didn't meet my expectations, but I tried, I learned, and had a good time with friends.

So I'm a person of reflection.  Maybe that's because a professor I had in college couldn't get enough of it, but I appreciate the opportunity to take life beyond just experiencing, but actually gleaning something.  So I spent some time reflecting on my summer.  And year 24 of my life.

There were beautiful times and difficult times found in each--some experiences being both beautiful and difficult simultaneously.  Each had its own set of expectations.

--I always want to make a year the best year ever.  I want to make an age worthwhile.  I feel pretty good about doing that with 24.  I've challenged myself personally and relationally.  I've taken huge strides in walking in community and exploring what it means to surrender independence.  I've worked through wounds (and still continue to do so).  I've experienced the joy and hardship of my first year of professional ministry.  I've taken journeys. :-)  Co-leading my first abroad trip and getting to experience the Holy Land, something that 24 will always be remembered by.

--This summer, I've processed through many difficult good-byes, learned how to rest on my own, began to learn how to embrace community with generosity and love, and learned that some of the best adventures or experience are ones you didn't plan on or even know you wanted.  Those rock.

Even so, with all of that, I felt a tug yesterday.  As birthday wishes rolled in, I heard lots of jokes about being closer to 30 and being asked what it feels like to be on the brink of a quarter-life crisis.  I take it all pretty lightly, but for a moment I wondered, "I'm 25.  What do I have to show for it?"  I laughed to myself.  Well...not really much of any possessions, which I'm pretty okay with,...not a diversified portfolio or kids or a boyfriend or a cool car or a master's degree or an album or even a pet.  I've been trying to climb this wall called life for 25 years and sometimes it feels like I haven't grabbed too many big holds.  It's easy to get discouraged by expectation.  Most of the time, I would argue, that they're not even our own expectations, but an expectation of comparison--an oh-so-dangerous measuring stick to live by.

Obviously, there's lots that an ambitious girl didn't get done with her summer.  It's a fact.  I've embraced my ambition.  I understand that some things have to be let go.  Lists and goals are beautiful things.  It keeps us intentional and focused.  We need some prize to keep our eye on.  However, I constantly must remind myself that the points on my goals and lists aren't always on God's list of goals and plans for my life.  Our agendas don't always line up.  I think I'm going to end up in Minnesota with another snowy spring break and He gives me the gift of a 10 days in Israel.  The path that we plan to take is not always the one God leads us down or if it is, it's usually not what we think it'll be.

We don't know the plans.  When we get so set on our own plans for our story and find out that they don't come to pass, it can be easy to get discouraged and disappointed.  The purpose for lists is to keep us going, not stop us with guilt and regret.

I refuse to be disappointed with the amount of checks on my summer adventure list (even though it'd be fun to get a couple more).  I refuse to be upset or bitter about things I haven't yet accomplished in my life.  God gave us freedom and grace.  It's not just for us to give away to others, but also to receive ourselves.  Be gracious in your reflection.  Embrace your journey.  Realize that wherever you are in that journey that God has filled your life with stories.  They may not have been the stories I would've chosen, but it'd be lame if they all were.  Every once in awhile you watch a movie knowing how it ends, but generally it's not desired to know the outcome. Life leaves an element of surprise that teaches us to trust and lean on one another.  I want adventure and that's unpredictable.

Even with boxes unchecked, there is always one thing on my list I can accomplish.  That's to bring joy.  To choose joy in the waiting.  In the adventure.  In the mishaps of adventure.  In the boring.  In the devastating.  In the seemingly hopeless and the utterly disappointing.  Choosing joy.  Bringing joy to others.  No matter the things to come or what has been, God is faithful.  God is providing.  God is unfolding.  He is untouchable and unchanged.  As long as the tomb is still empty, we have reason to be overflowing with joy.  If you are disappointed about failing to accomplish any goal, may it be that one.

So here's to 25--a year of joy and adventures both planned and unexpected, and to the grace I will rest in for the things that don't get accomplished.  Here's to lessons, stories, relationships, and choosing joy.

Grace and peace, friends.

Independence: (part 3) richness in relationship.

I heard a campus minister talk a couple of weeks ago about the primary indicators of a strong long-term relationship with Christ for young adults.  More than regular devotions or attending regular worship services, the topic indicator of a healthy, flourishing, and lasting relationship with Jesus for young adults was how many strong believers the individual was connected with.




St. Louis Zoo in the rain.  Some of my favorite people ever.


The last several days I've been staying at my best friends' home.  They recently moved from Minnesota and when given a very generous offer by a loving family (what an awesome act of being the Church--I am so grateful) to give me a ride down because they were making the trip, I jumped aboard.  It's been a week to remember.  My heart is full because of people whom I'm deeply known and loved by, people who encourage me in faith and ministry, people who can tell me the truth and be genuine, love me inspite of me, and have my best interest at heart.  This week has been so good for my soul.  I am drinking deeply.  I'm reminded once again, on such a deep level, how much our health depends on community.  I can demonstrate this in a few different areas.

The first, spiritually.  Just as I mentioned above, we need to be spurred on by one another.  It's so easy to come up with our own odd ideas about things or convince ourselves that something is okay even when it isn't.  Deitrich Bonhoeffer said in his book, Life Together, (a total must read about Christian community--my copy is at home, so this is a close paraphrase), said something like this: God has given us community to speak the Gospel to each other when telling ourselves isn't enough.  We need to be constantly reminded of truth because the enemy seeks to destroy with lies that we may not even be aware of, but others might see.  We need to encourage one another, speak truth and forgiveness to one another, and speak the Gospel to each other when we need to hear it from someone else.  This is why we are the Body.

My church has a slogan about our community that says "nobody walks alone."  Our pastor is clear to say "this is not a promise, but a challenge."  Living in community and surrendering independence is difficult.  Letting people see your junk and call you on it is tough.  Getting outside of yourself to walk alongside someone else will take time, energy, and giving of self.  It is not always easy, but it is rich.  This is how our lives our best lived: together.

I've seen how living life with others has helped me physically.  The chances that I'll eat healthier or exercise increase drastically when I have company.  I'm healthier mentally because I'm forced to get out of my own head of thoughts (which can be dangerous for anyone if too much time is spent there) and moved to think of and pray for others.  I find myself being more emotionally balanced because I can "get my words out" and learn compassion for others.  I learn to love and feel and allow people to see what is raw in me.  It's terrifying, but beautiful.  I have basked in that this past week.  Thank you, Lord.

The point of this isn't to say that you should always be with people or even grow to dependence on others, but don't be self-sufficient.  You can't do it alone and it's way better if you decide not to.  The thing about it is, Bonhoeffer also talked a lot about alone time.  He warned to be careful of being unable to have alone time and to those who loved alone time, to be wary of the inability to be together with others.  God doesn't want us to give up being alone, but not because He wants to encourage independence.  Time alone is creating utter dependence on Him and continually going to a place that reminds us we are nothing without His grace and His Word.  We are nothing without the reconciliation of Christ in our relationship with God.

There is such richness in relationship.  True relationship cannot exist in the presence of undying independence.  Lay it down.  As Jack Johnson would say: "it's better together."

independence (pt 2): it wasn't in the plan.

An exciting, yet delayed second blog entry about independence has arrived.  I think I could even attribute the delay of this entry to my surrendering of independence.

I recently moved and now have a roommate.  She is a dear friend of mine and we have spent many hours already moving, organizing, sorting, and arranging.  Not to mention, talking, laughing, crying...yes...it's only been a week, and we've already been emotional.  We're girls.  It's what we do.

My roomie and I in Israel.  We be tough...and a little crazy.

With two strong women living together, the topic of independence has come up several times in our conversations.  This was one of the most recent thoughts passed around.

The creation story.  I'm amazed at how much it speaks to independence.  It wasn't in the plan.  God--a community by God's very nature, three persons--decided to bring humanity into being. 

"Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness...'"
 
He breathed His own breath into Adam.  Adam was made dependent on God.  God gave Him land, plants, animals, breath, water.  Everything.  Not only did God provide Adam with all he needed, but God provided the systems that had needs.  He designed Adam in a way that He could care for Adam.  He designed Adam as one dependent on God.  It was a beautiful relationship.

Even so, God noticed something.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

We were made in the image of a communal God.  Even while Adam was in a perfect relationship with God, He called Adam being alone on the earth "not good"--the only "not good" thing on earth before the fall!  Loneliness isn't wrong.  We weren't made to be alone, but in community, BOTH with God and others.

We need community.  God says so.  Doing our own thing wasn't in the plan.  Then that whole fruit thing happened....yep...independence is enticing.  Eve wanted to be like God, not dependent upon God.  How often do we do the same thing?  It's a daily struggle to surrender to God's will which includes yielding to, working together with, and forgiving those that I'm in community with.  It is allowing myself to be "inconvenienced by community" because we weren't made to be alone.

Independence.  No matter how enticing, accept that this is not our best life.  It never has been and never will be in the plan.

independence: the series.

I used to jam to this song...



I would think..."yeah, that's right...I'm Miss Independent."  Not actually realizing that the song is all about breaking that whole tough exterior down for the sake of love.  We could learn a thing or two from Miss Clarkson.


This post is the first of several about you and me and our unhealthy need for independence.

 It's something that we strive for in our society.  It's something we admire of some and shame of others for lacking it.  Despite all this, I heard Jeff Deyo say a couple of weeks ago: "Independence is the greatest deterrent of intimacy."  As tough as it is to say, I am starting to agree.

Before you get all defensive and say "Shelly, you are way off...independence means strength and knowing who you are and it is necessary," let me just say 2 things:

1.  I'm writing this because I am chief of sinners in this department and fully claim that.  I've LOVED my independence and lived in it to the full.  I've loved the fact that I'm a strong, independent woman.  I've loved it too much.  I have been convicted of this and see the destruction it has caused and continues to cause in my life and I know I'm not alone.

2.  The definition of independence is as follows:
"freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

Will you let that sink in for a minute?  What does that mean for our culture and our relationships with others?  What does that mean for our relationship with God?

Take some time to really dig into those questions.  Let me know what you think.

The next few posts are going to dig into what Scripture has to say about independence as well as some cool stuff God is teaching me at the moment.  I know that this is a huge challenge for many people living in many meantimes, especially the single meantime.  It's my prayer that together God will reveal to us how life best works in relationship with Him and others and show us what is preventing us from living in those relationships.  Stay tuned.

it's not just me.

Just in case you thought I was completely off the wall for living in the meantime, here's proof that I'm not and you're not alone in waiting.  Daniel reiterates lots of things that have been discussed here.

Here's an article from Relevant Magazine by Daniel Darling called "Making the Most of the Meantime."

Enjoy!

praising God for what's to come.

So last week I went to this worship conference.  It was a high impact kind of week.  There were in depth sessions about worship, leadership, personal worship, and the theology of all those aforementioned.  All that, plus some deep worship experiences that were, dare I say, out of the box for me.  Even though the group in leadership was of a Christian perspective that was quite different than my own in both theology and practice, I must say that I learned quite a lot.

And oddly enough, worship taught me some things about life and faith and who God is for us.

This week I learned that the word "praise" in the Old Testament actually equals 7 different words in Hebrew.  Each Hebrew word denotes a specific way to bring praise to God.  Google it if you're interested.  There are lots of websites about it.  I must admit that there are some ways to praise that were a bit outside of my comfort zone.  SHABACH praise is giving a loud shout.  BARAK is to "kneel down in adoration" or "to bless."  ZAMAR and HALLAL are probably my favorites.  ZAMAR is praising with an instrument and HALLAL (the root of Hallelujah) is an overflow of joy in Lord, which is about the equivalent of a "happy dance." :-)  Cool, right?  The one that really caught my attention, though, was Towdah.

TOWDAH means an extension of the hands (which you'd find is also the word YADAH), but with a specific purpose.  This is extending the hands in acceptance and thanksgiving to God for what is to come.  It is praising God for "things not yet received."  Jeremiah 30:19 is one of the passages marked by this kind of praise.

Isn't that beautiful?  TOWDAH is the trust and confidence to believe God when He says He's working for our good and expressing that in praise.  I was thinking about this I realized that this concept is all over in Scripture.

Philippians 4:6 says: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I don't know about you, but the things I'm usually anxious about are unknowns.  The most common unknown?  Our future.  God says, "don't be anxious...talk to me about it."  And because we trust in His goodness, we praise God for how He is going to answer our prayer.


Matthew 6 is ALL about worry.  Again, worrying about the future.  God says we're worth more than birds and they get taken care of.  After all, God didn't send is Beloved Son to save birds.  Praise Him for His provision both for now and in the future.

It made me think of a day back in my Captive Free days.

Captive Free NorthEast 04-05

 I was serving on this youth ministry team that put 7 people in a van for 12 months covering the Northeast region of the US.  We were a band that played at churches, youth events, VBS, etc and we stayed with host families every night lined up by the churches or organizations hosting us.  We were completely at the mercy (or maybe grace would be a better word here) of our hosts when it came to where we would be sleeping or what we would be eating.  I remember a very specific day sitting in the van on a long driving day.  In hour 4 of 8 for the day, it hit me.  I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight.  I don't know the name of the church or most of the time even the city that we'll be in.  I don't know what I'll be eating tonight or tomorrow or the next day.  I do know, though, that all will be provided and it'll work out.  It was odd how much comfort I was able to take in that moment of such huge unknown.  It was my life.  And in that moment, I praised God.  I TOWDAH'ed God for what He had provided and how He would provide in the future, knowing His outrageous love for me and my team.

I am speechless as I relive that moment.

God, I'm waiting.  But right now, I TOWDAH You for the wondrous ways You've loved and provided in the past and the unfathomable things You have in store.  I can't wait to see You say "Tah-Daahhh" as you continue to surprise us with blessings.  In the meantime, I'm saying TOWDAH.

persistence.

So here I am....back in the laundry mat.
(If you don't know what I'm referencing or have always wondered why there are washing machines on this background, check out this post.)

I'm in a place of waiting still and once again.  The anticipation of many of my friends moving away has come and gone just as quickly as it seems my time with them has.  I am mentally overloaded at the moment by a tsunami of stimuli from a worship conference I've been attending this week.  I've been spending time with the Lord more than I have in a long time and feeling like it's just bouncing off the ceiling.  It feels like I'm just waiting here for something to happen.  It's like when I was learning to play guitar.  I quit so many times because no matter what I did, I felt like I wasn't improving, until break throughs began to happen after much time and effort.  Persistence.   It took lots of time.

I'm waiting on a break through in life.  Something's spinning in the dryer, but it's still not done yet.  You waiting too?  Read on.

This entry is dedicated to persistence while the dryer spins.

One of the best things I've heard this week is this: The way to become refreshed in life, ministry, and joy is by meditating on God's great intentions for us.  God is good and He has good in mind for us.  Period.  I'm holding onto that while I'm in this funky life spot.  I'm meditating and learning to believe that God has good plans for me.

This one is touchy.  For those of you whose waiting thing is a spouse, or even if you are married, hear this:  "Independence creates separation.  A covenant is the binding of two separate lives into one."  I love independence.  I'm quickly learning about its dangers though.  I become self-sufficient and don't allow others to serve me.  I don't consider others' ideas or viewpoints before acting.  Whatever it is, I can handle it on my own and won't allow others to help, even when it's mostly to invite them into my life.  What a fast way to push people away.  I'm fighting it.  Folks, I know you love to jam to the song, but don't embrace your Miss Independent attitude.  Learn to live in community.  Learn to serve others and allow others to serve you.  Find people to be utterly vulnerable and transparent with.  Allow yourself to be "inconvenienced" for the sake of relationship.  You'll be glad you did both for the sake of relationships now and later.

A couple of times this week I have been in situations where others were praying over me.  None of the people knew me really much at all nor did they know anything about my story.  One prayed a very specific prayer that I would give up control over areas of my life that I have fear and timidity about and need to have locked up.  As another person prayed for me, they pleaded with God that I had been obedient and faithful and was asking for the desires of my heart to come into being.  Wow.  People I don't know praying prayers that I needed on my behalf.  Awesomeness.  It made me realize, though, that I need to be in persistent prayer about the things on my heart and mind.  The lesson is this: Be persistent in prayer about the things in your life that hurt, need healing, bring joy, or that you are anxiously anticipating.  If it's a spouse you're praying for, make a list of qualities and seek the Lord about that person.  If you're going to marry them, your future spouse is worth praying for.  Whatever it is, talk to Dad about it.  He cares about you more than you could ever care about anything or anyone.  Do it.  I triple dog dare you.

The enemy, satan, hates patient hearts.  He wants us to get all worked up and anxious and he will attack and tempt us.  I'm pleading with you to pray against the attacks of the enemy.  Pray against impurity both mentally and physically.  Pray against lies that the enemy tells us about our identity.  Pray against the lies that you're alone.  You're not, nor will you ever be.  Emmanuel is our promise--it means "God is with us."  Walk with someone else to be honest about struggles as well as to stay accountable during them.  And hear me when I say that God's Word is your defense against these traps.  Be in the Word.  Don't leave home or stay home, for that matter, without it.

Relax. :-)  I heard this today, too: ""Most of us live like orphans--working very hard, worrying very deeply, hiding very thoroughly--not trusting our Father to take care of us."  Take a deep breath.  Trust your Dad.  He's got you.  He's working on you in the meantime and getting you ready for what lies outside the laundry mat.